We hear so much about the challenge of raising children with ADHD, but what about those parents who are diagnosed? How does a condition that can disrupt your ability to organise, focus and manage time make the difficulties of parenthood feel even harder?
“It’s overwhelming trying to help your children be organised when it’s something you struggle with yourself,” says Jane Barbieri, a Melbourne parent of two teenagers, who was diagnosed with ADHD at 45, shortly after her children.
“I’d recognised some of the same symptoms [as my children] in myself. It was a relief to learn there was an explanation,” she says. “I’d had these feelings of shame, guilt and frustration that I couldn’t manage things like other people could.”
Being a mother with ADHD
For Barbieri, the condition manifested in feelings of being overwhelmed, an inclination to overthink and difficulty with emotional control.
Being a woman with ADHD, who is also a working parent, often looks like burnout, says Dr Kate Witteveen from the University of Queensland, whose research focuses on women diagnosed with ADHD as adults.
“The myth of ADHD is that it’s about eight-year-old boys wriggling in their chair and calling out in class, but that’s not how it looks in women. Having ADHD means having a very different brain – some people say it’s like having multiple different channels operating in your brain at once,” she says.
“Women might be in a position of authority, and if you throw in perimenopause, it’s a perfect storm. If their children also have ADHD, it’s a double whammy.”
Prescriptions for ADHD medication for adults in Australia rose by about 300 per cent in the 10 years to 2023, with an increase in the number of women having treatment.
The difficulties – and surprising benefits – of parenting with ADHD
ADHD is a condition that can make routine tasks harder. “People with ADHD often have very clever brains and struggle with anything mundane or boring, but are engaged by anything novel, interesting or urgent,” Witteveen says.
Much like Barbieri, Vivian Dunstan – founder of ADHD Support Australia and author of The Ultimate ADHD Parenting Handbook – was diagnosed with ADHD after her teenage daughter was.
“All parents feel guilty sometimes, but when you’re a parent with ADHD, you feel you’re somehow failing as a parent, especially if you don’t have the understanding of other parents,” Dunstan says.
For those who struggle with emotional regulation, mindfulness can help, says Barbieri, who now works as an ADHD coach.
“Children need a parent to co-regulate with them, not a parent who’s become unregulated. When you’re unregulated, you don’t have access to your rational brain,” she says. “I know I used to overreact to my children, but now my daughter tells me I’m calm. Practising mindfulness helps me catch myself before I lose control.”
But the condition can also bring strengths in parents, such as creativity, empathy and intuition, Witteveen says. “Parents with ADHD can have a lot of compassion and understanding.”
And they can be fun, Dunstan says. “Impulsivity can also mean spontaneity, like ‘Let’s go on a picnic.’ ”
How to cope when difficulties arise
As for making parenting with ADHD less chaotic, there are strategies that help, such as using visual reminders to help remember things, Dunstan says. Finding ways to create structure for both adults and children, such as pre-organising meals and clothes for the day, can help make mornings less chaotic. As can making sure everyone in the household is getting enough sleep, and a little self-compassion.
“When parents with ADHD move from self-criticism to self-understanding, they create calmer, more connected homes,” Dunstan says.
Having understanding friends and family also makes a difference, as can medication, says Jacki McNaughton who was diagnosed at 41, and lives in Sydney with her husband and two children, aged nine and 10.
“ADHD can feel overwhelming, but my husband is supportive, and when you have supportive people around, you don’t feel as if you’re doing things wrong all the time. Medication helps me stay more focused on one task instead of trying to do everything at once,” she says.
“If I’m not on medication, I’ll be halfway through making lunch, then I’ll start doing something else, then realise I’ve forgotten the toast.
“I also try to keep everything orderly. I put things I need to remember in my phone and I have alarms for everything,” says McNaughton, who works with people with disability.
And, as a parent, she thinks she’s doing OK.
“I have a lot of empathy, and I’m spontaneous and fun. My kids always say, ‘We really love shopping with you; you say ‘yes’ to everything.’ ”
Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.
