Whenever I encounter anything remotely difficult in life, my dad tends to have the same advice: “Don’t worry about it, just do it.” While he would love to be credited for that bit of wisdom, I believe he’s just ripping off the Nike brand slogan.
That mentality, however, is helpful when it comes to many things in life, including first dates.
Until this year, I had not been on a first date in years. I was in a relationship, and the thought of sitting in front of a stranger and wondering if she wants to see me naked was completely foreign.
And yet, I am back on the apps and I am back on first dates.
People typically dread first dates, and I understand why. They are terrifying. They seem less like you’re testing the waters, and more like performance reviews. We’ve filled in the application form, and now we’re turning up to be assessed and evaluated like in a job interview: What if you aren’t as attractive in person as you are on Hinge? How will you compare to all those other profiles? What if you can’t find a topic to converse over? What if the person is just going on this date to make their ex – who they’re not over yet – jealous?
Searching for connection requires vulnerability in a world that seems to reward detachment. You’re sitting across from someone who very well could disappear tomorrow for no reason at all, and we all pretend that it’s fine.
A friend of mine once said that they wished they could “skip all the dating stuff and go straight to being married,” and that thought crushed me. Sure, not every first date is fun. Modern dating fatigue is real, it can be repetitive and demoralising – how many times is one supposed to mention that they have three siblings? – but that’s not why some people want to “skip” the dating part. Many people want intimacy without the discomfort and unease that develops it. Just like in a TV show when you really want two characters who are clearly meant to be together to get together. But that slow burn is what makes their first kiss worth it. That’s intimacy.
First dates are about possibilities. Instead of looking at them as auditions, I try to see them as experiments in chemistry. Do they like how I look? Do they like the same bands as me? Can I guess their preferred cocktail? Did they also hate the new Wuthering Heights?
Instead of thinking “what if they don’t like me?” I tend to operate under a completely different assumption: What if they do like me? I know this might sound crazy, but what if they’re smitten?
Why are we so convinced that rejection is the most likely outcome of a first date? Couples exist. They’re living evidence that first dates can work.
This mental flip changes everything about the intensity of a first date. The pressure dissipates. Instead of worrying about how they will judge you, you start thinking about more fun things like how your jokes are gonna land, or how intense their eye contact is. And, a personal favorite of mine, you notice if they kick their feet or twirl their hair.
Instead of being caught up in the fear of not being good enough, it helps me see that there is something beautiful about a person choosing to be somewhere with you at a specific time. With countless apps and likes and matches, the person you’re on a date with could easily be on a date with other people instead. And yet, despite this, they have chosen to spend their evening with you. That should be enough to make any person confident.
Sure, confidence comes easily if you’re 6 foot 5 and just starred in Wuthering Heights and were just nominated for an Academy Award, but most people aren’t Jacob Elordi. I’m not. I’m 5 foot 7, never starred in any adaptation of Wuthering Heights and have only been a one-time Academy Award watcher.
I find the only way to get confident on a first date is to just keep going on them. Of course the first couple will suck. You’re rusty, you say the wrong thing, it gets awkward. It’s fine! But after a couple of crappy first dates, you start to know what works and what doesn’t. A first date isn’t the right time to bring up a litany of your trauma, or your strong views on “separating the art from the artist”. They’re date five or seven topics.
Perhaps my dad was right. The only way to enjoy first dates is to stop worrying and just do it.
Roby D’Ottavi is a writer and director based in Melbourne.
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Roby D’Ottavi is a writer/director based in Melbourne. He is the creator of the Twitter page, Le Cinéphiles.Connect via X.
