Indeed, while facing the fact of death seems morbid, it may help us derive more pleasure and purpose from life.
Remember that you must die
The notion that thinking about dying can make our waking hours more meaningful is nothing new.
From the concept of Memento Mori (Latin for “remember you must die”) to Margot Robbie’s record-scratch-inducing “Do you guys ever think about dying?” question in Barbie, mortality is at the heart of our existentialism.
It’s a question Bronnie Ware often pondered during the near decade she spent working in palliative care, which inspired her to write her bestselling memoir, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
These regrets are:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This experience, Ware says, taught her that “using death as a tool for living is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself”.
“By speaking about death more openly, you come to realise just how precious your life is. You find the courage to live your dreams, have hard conversations, take risks, and show up with more presence and gratitude. You realise you don’t have forever to honour your dreams.”
Sometimes called “mortality salience”, research shows that small reminders of our own mortality are important for meaning-making in life – whether through relationships, work or daily life – and even drive us to make healthier choices.
Positive psychology
While it may sound like an oxymoron, positive psychology can be a powerful framework for thinking about life, death and meaning, says Dr Lauren Miller-Lewis, a psychology lecturer at CQUniversity and member of Flinders University’s Research Centre for Palliative Care, Death and Dying.
“You do get raised eyebrows when I start talking about the positive psychology of death because there’s a colloquial misunderstanding that positive psychology is only about smiley faces and happiness.”
In its simplest form, Miller-Lewis says positive psychology is the “scientific study of what makes life worth living”.
One of the field’s founding thinkers, Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, was a Holocaust survivor who wrote about the notion of finding purpose through suffering, in his book Man’s Search for Meaning.
Indeed, Miller-Lewis says positive psychology today is less about “hedonic wellbeing” (finding happiness through the pursuit of pleasure) and more about “eudaimonic wellbeing” (living life authentically in pursuit of meaning, even if it means sometimes experiencing hardship or stress).
“If positive emotions were all that we were pursuing in terms of our wellbeing, would any of us raise children? Would any of us take on hard careers or jobs?” she asks.
“There’s so much more to our wellbeing than just feeling happy. A lot of it comes from feeling confident, accomplished and that what you do matters.”
How to have a ‘mortality check-in’
A helpful place to start can be thinking about what happens after we die, says Miller-Lewis.
“The questions that I ask myself on a daily basis are: ‘What do I want my legacy to be? How do I want to be remembered?’”
A recent study co-authored by Miller-Lewis found that legacy could be a powerful vehicle for discussing death and dying and, importantly, what truly matters in life.
A growing body of research on legacy supports this – including that thinking about one’s legacy can help create a sense of purpose beyond ourselves, and that it’s beneficial to start early.
Another helpful approach might be asking yourself “what matters to me right now?” and then, “what’s going to matter most to me when I’m coming towards the end of my life?”
“Sometimes seeing that there’s a difference there can help us rethink about our approach,” she says.
Ware encourages taking small steps towards your goals.
“Face the fact that you are going to die. Consider how you would change your life if you knew you had a finite amount of time left to live – because you do.”
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