Dear Taylor Swift, we hear any minute now you’ll be married. Yay! It’s a high-stakes counter-intuitive gamble and I bet you’re going to love a lot of it as much as you love that big hunk of spunk right now.
I wanted to give you a wedding gift that could last longer than a saucepan set: unsought marriage advice from a random. If you don’t have a pre-nup, tuck these tips into your blue garter before you and Travis have at the croquembouche.
AP Photo/Ashley Landis
In no particular order, here’s what maybe nobody has told you yet (they apply equally to grooms, PS.)
Pop culture has lied. Dating apps, movies, songs – even yours – all tell us successful love means shared interests, hobbies, the “wow” feeling of thinking, “we both love yurts! This is the real deal.”
Shake that off, lady. One of the special ironies of marriage is that it often works for the opposite reason. You were individuals before you met. You loved each other for that uniqueness. So stay you.
Don’t slowly morph into the same person. Keep your own ideas, friends, idiosyncrasies. Your husband isn’t you. He doesn’t think like you, argue like you or recharge like you. Love can be stronger because of your differences rather than despite them.
Small talk is ultimately more important than Big Talks. Marriage is an agreement to have an endless conversation. Keep bringing fresh material. Be challenging and fun and honest and keep up with who you both become as you age and change.
Even if it feels slightly performative, don’t stop flirting. Notes in his lunchbox might be a bridge too far but send texts that are not strictly instructional: “You’re more handsome than Viggo Mortensen” is enough.
Yep, it’s hard to be flirty if the kids are being little shits, you can’t remember if the dog needs worming and your energies are going into making a voodoo doll of your boss. But you’ll both feel better if you can be a bit kittenish.
Touch each other all the time, with no reason or agenda. Hand on the back when you pass in the kitchen is a non-negotiable. Put down the phone and make eye contact 1000 times a day. It’s the best aphrodisiac.
Speaking of, sex. Hard to fathom now, but there may come a day when having it will seem less appealing than a colonoscopy. Think of it like getting in the sea in winter: hard to muster enthusiasm for it but once you’re stalking back up the beach, you’re rapt you did it.
Doesn’t have to be the bedroom equivalent of a production of Aida. Quickies are fine. Personally, I don’t mind half-time in the footy. Just keep doing it. Sex floods you with dopamine, quietens stress hormones, helps you sleep and generally makes both of you nicer to live with.
Pick your own big occasion gifts to avoid resentment. Say sorry. Say thank you. Ask for help. Ask if they need help. Be kind. Look delighted when you see them. Be surprising. Make wise decisions about the leftover good cheese on the charcuterie board. Have one designated travel planner.
Your beloved is not Nostradamus. If something’s got your goat, spell it out then move on. Forgive them for whatever because any minute you’ll be the one acting like an arsehole. Listen carefully and be appreciative.
Don’t ask, “What’s wrong?” every time they go quiet. Sometimes they’re not processing childhood trauma. They’re wondering if it’s bin night. You’re not the only main character in this show so don’t hog the stage.
Go to bed however you need to. Mad, happy or exhausted, doesn’t matter. The sun can go down on anger. The trick is not waking up still in martyr mode or on the silent warpath.
Know some years are really terrible for no reason. The ship will right itself if you don’t panic. Remember, you can’t get divorced unless you get divorced.
Mostly, remember a marriage isn’t built on sunrises or grand gestures. It’s built on ordinary days, laughs in the darkness, holding hands in hospitals, fighting tears at a school concert. Choosing a new oven.
If you’re lucky enough to get thousands of those days together, hallelujah. That’s truly the best bit.
Kate Halfpenny is an author and the founder of Bad Mother Media.
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