Apparently, the new weight-loss drugs reduce your appetite for pretty much everything. What hasn’t been noted is the opportunity this presents for the publishing industry – with a new generation of bestselling cookbooks, sex manuals, wine bibles and restaurant guides.
The Ozempic Cookbook
What an innovation! A cookbook aimed at those no longer interested in cooking.
Roast Chicken. Serves 4. Preheat oven to 180 degrees and cook the chicken for 90 minutes. Throw the chicken in the bin. Serve dry crackers to guests, as they enjoy the heady aroma of the cooked chook. With a recipe this well-matched to your guests’ appetites, you’ll have everyone coming back for a second cracker.
Lamb Chops with Fresh Rosemary. Serves 6. Preparation time: 3 seconds. Go to the supermarket and buy fresh rosemary. Don’t worry about the chops, no one will be able to face them. Distribute the rosemary among your guests, suggesting they rub the leaves between their fingers. Yum! It’s like a trip to the Greek islands!
Protein Powder Surprise. Serves 60. Perfect for a large cocktail party in which most of the guests are on Ozempic. After a few months on the drug, many will have a protein deficiency, which this dish can solve. Actually, “dish” might not be the right word. To add an aura of rule-breaking hedonism, the protein powder should be sniffed through rolled-up banknotes, preferably off the top of a toilet cistern.
What an innovation! A restaurant guide aimed at those no longer interested in eating.
The Wegovy Kama Sutra
What an innovation! A sex guide aimed at those no longer interested in sex.
The Tired Crow. With one partner lying on their back, the other partner should enter the room, at which point both people should look at each other and sigh: “I really don’t think I’m up to it.” They should then sit, side by side on the couch, making sure their shoulders are touching in a companionable manner, as they watch a thriller on the television. The couple should try to keep going for the full 90 minutes.
The Contented Spoon. Both partners should enter the bed from separate sides, and then one should spoon the other. Both should yawn contentedly.
The Sleeping Cowgirl. Go to bed at 9pm. Alone. Bliss.
The Mounjaro Guide to Wine Appreciation
What an innovation! A wine book aimed at those no longer interested in drinking.
Hunter Valley Shiraz. Having cellared your bottle for 10 years, uncork and decant, being carefully to allow it to “breathe” for at least four hours. Next, carefully pour a small amount into the largest glass you can find. Your inspiration should be the glass in which Dita Von Teese, the American burlesque artist, often cavorts. Swirl the wine around the glass, and then breathe the aroma though your nose, appreciating the complex layers that are typical of Hunter Shiraz – cigar box, dark chocolate and sweaty saddle. Consider sipping a little, then decide “I really don’t fancy it”. Transcribe your tasting notes into your wine-appreciation diary, then pour the lot down the drain.
Victorian Riesling. As above, except it will smell like fresh citrus, recently crushed flint and late-season strawberries.
New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. As above, except it will smell like cat’s urine.
The “weight loss drug” edition of the Good Food Guide
What an innovation! A restaurant guide aimed at those no longer interested in eating.
The Dirty Fork. The Dirty Fork has failed four of its last five food-safety inspections and is open only due to the owner’s willingness to bribe certain officials. That’s why you can always get a booking at The Dirty Fork. The noise level is also an advantage. With no other customers, you’ll be able to chat with your friends and hear every word. Of course, you’d be crazy to eat the food, but that’s no problem when all you want is a glass of soda water.
The Hamburger Chain. These chains are perfect for those on weight-loss medication. Walk in and enjoy the photographs on display – succulent hamburgers so large that you’d be hard-pressed holding them in one hand. Order the biggest available, safe in the knowledge that when it arrives it will be about two centimetres tall and have the diameter of a large shirt button – perfectly suited to your reduced appetite.
The Top Drawer. If you’re on weight-loss drugs, you’ll love visiting The Top Drawer, a Sydney waterside restaurant with truly alarming prices. What fun to contemplate the 80-day aged steak for $240 and think “not interested”. Or the Roast Duck (for two) at $316 and think “you know what, we’re not that hungry.” And what fun to see your follow diners searching for cash and credit cards as they try, at the end of the night, to meet the outrageous impost. It’s all the glamour of a top-notch joint, and yet you’ll dine for under $20. True, all you’ll get is a single oyster. But, as you’ll put it yourself, “You know what, I’m full!”
Personally, I can’t wait to get to work. It’s just a question of which major publisher will be first to my door.
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