Santos said that working – whether at a day job, or doing another effortful activity, especially if it involves connecting with other people – often makes us happier than being idle. In particular, she said, scrolling on our phones or binge-watching TV might be a recipe for loneliness.
Yet given the choice, people often choose the easier route, one of the many ways people tend to be misguided when predicting what will make them happy, she said.
Santos teaches the course Psychology and the Good Life, which became the most popular class on Yale’s campus when she first offered it in 2018. Nearly one in four students now enrol, which she said is a sign of how many young people are searching for research-backed strategies to help them feel better.
The paradox of happiness
One of the pitfalls of searching for happiness is that focusing on it too much can make contentment even more elusive.
Santos cited research from Iris Mauss at the University of California at Berkeley, which found that it’s hard to enjoy a happy moment if you’re too fixated on how happy you are.
“You know, I’m on vacation in this perfect spot and I’m asking, ‘Could this be better? Was this worth the money?’ And of course that doesn’t make the vacation feel all that great,” Santos said. “We tend to be kind of anxious about whether we’re feeling happy and that doesn’t feel good.”
The second problem is that we think that the perfect job or relationship or achievement will make us happier.
“Happiness is really less about our circumstances and more about our behaviours and our mindsets,” Santos said.
For people who are struggling with essentials like housing or food, changing their circumstances will make them happier, she said, but once basic needs are met, there are diminishing returns.
The problem with ‘good vibes only’
Being a happy person does not mean being happy all the time.
“A good flourishing life is going to involve some negative emotion,” Santos said.
Often it’s our reactions to our emotions that cause problems. For example, if you get an email that stresses you out and let that spill into your next interaction, you might snap at someone, then feel guilty.
Santos recommends recognising what you’re feeling without adding too much meaning to it – or shaming yourself for feeling badly – what Santos calls “meta-emotions”.
On a vacation, for example, if a rainy day forces a change of plans and you find yourself getting frustrated, that can bring on meta-emotions. You might feel ashamed that you’re annoyed on vacation – shouldn’t I just be enjoying it? Feeling grateful?
“It’s often those meta-emotions that are worse than the primary emotions that we initially feel,” Santos said. “It takes some work, but those meta-emotions are under your control.”
What actually makes people happier
There is a lot of research about what does make people feel better. In the scientific literature and in Santos’s own experience, these little tweaks work by subtly rewiring the brain.
A little bit of effort or challenge is better than pure ease
We tend to enjoy things more when they require a bit of work. If you have a free afternoon, you’re more likely to take pleasure in a hike outside rather than scrolling or watching TV alone.
Pretty much everything is better with a friend
Even if you’re just running errands, invite a friend, and look for opportunities for small moments of connection, like chatting with a clerk in a store rather than ordering things online.
Try a reframe
You’ve probably heard the advice to keep a gratitude journal, but if you can’t stick to writing things down every day, you can still do a quick reframe in a tough moment by asking yourself some questions.
“What’s one thing that I’m really grateful for in this moment? What’s one thing that I’m going to look back on tonight and think was good?” Santos asked. “Just that little change in our attention can be really powerful.”
