Ahead of Father’s Day, how can you check that you are a real, ridgy-didge, typical young father – the sort that deserves a present first thing tomorrow?
A quick quiz might help (just like the one offered by this column on Mother’s Day).
1. I’m considering studying for a PhD in engineering so I can:
a) build a house in the bush
b) work on large infrastructure projects
c) figure out how to collapse the pram
2. Every time I start to read my child a bedtime story I’m immediately:
a) frustrated with the gender stereotypes
b) annoyed by the cliched expressions
c) asleep
3. As a father, I always try to measure up to:
a) my own father
b) my own grandfather
c) Bandit Heeler
4. After having children, the main noise I associate with sex is:
a) ohhhhh
b) ahhhhh
c) shhhhh
5. The necktie I wear to work features:
a) a classic design by William Morris
b) playful images of the Marvel superheroes
c) pumpkin
6. I often ponder how I can fit:
a) more meditation into my schedule
b) more exercise into my day
c) two boogie boards, a tricycle and a travel cot into the boot of a Mini
7. I fear being poisoned by toxic waste because:
a) I live next to a coal mine
b) I live next to a tip
c) I’ve seen under the child seat in the car
8. My whole workday is structured around:
a) making a career for myself
b) checking I’m building shareholder value
c) arriving at OOSH
9. I only watch films that:
a) won an Oscar
b) feature an uplifting theme
c) have already been viewed by my children and me 372 times
10. I regularly call my child:
a) Sweetpea
b) my darling one
c) by the name of her sister, then her brother, then her cousin, then her mother, then the dog, then the guinea pig. Fair go, I’m tired!
11. The most passionate argument I’ve had in the past year involved:
a) the Middle East
b) Pauline Hanson
c) the 37 reasons we are not, I said NOT, getting a pet mouse!
12. The most outrageous lie I’ve ever told was:
a) during my evidence before the ICAC
b) that the bottle of shiraz was already half empty
c) that the playing of Greensleeves means the ice-cream van has sold out
13. As a father, I find I am easily able to complete:
a) the Sydney marathon
b) a David Astle crossword
c) the lyrics to Let It Go from Frozen, including all the verses
14. I believe that “cleaning up after dinner” involves:
a) filling the dishwasher
b) washing the larger pans
c) eating anything left on the children’s plates, in the belief it doesn’t contain calories
15. My car upholstery is covered in:
a) pashmina throw rugs
b) Porsche logos
c) a grey fuzzy growth from eight months of spilt apple juice
16. My favourite position in bed is called:
a) the Kama Sutra lotus
b) the Kama Sutra flower
c) asleep
17. My friends and I often have passionate arguments over our favourite:
a) footy team
b) plug-in hybrid under $40,000
c) Play School presenter
18. I practise controlled crying:
a) on my two-year-old
b) on my five-year-old
c) by myself in the shed after a difficult week
19. Most days I find myself stepping:
a) away from work for “me time”
b) out of the house to see friends
c) on Lego
20. My cooking is often:
a) the subject of praise
b) a source of delight
c) airborne
21. Fatherhood, I believe, involves a constant search for:
a) the parent within
b) the best side of myself
c) shoes
Oh, and Happy Father’s Day. If you answered mostly Cs, you, too, deserve a poorly made pot and a hand-drawn card. I hope it arrives tomorrow.
