From public servants to tradies and mysterious international consultants, Canberra Tinder really does have something for everyone. Images: AI-generated.
I’ve spent enough time on Tinder lately to consider myself something of an expert on Canberra men. And I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only five of them.
Gerard, 52, international consultant working on a critical Defence, infrastructure or cyber security project
What AI thinks Gerard looks like. They’re never quite this good-looking.
These men are the literal James Bonds of Canberra. Thick accents, multilingual, highly intellectual, impeccably and expensively dressed, and so charming they’ll have you out of your clothes in minutes. They consult on projects like lasers, submarines and other things they absolutely cannot tell you about.
One particular German man I went on a date with was an engineer working on the Snowy 2.0. Living in – of all places – Cooma. His specialty was tunnels. Do with that what you will.
Scott, 44, The Ethical Non-Monogamist
Not the actual Scott, but damn close. Image by AI.
Why does he always look like he’s been gaming in the dark for two decades? He’ll have a beard, a loud shirt, or a quirky porkpie hat and make it clear up front that his wife/long-term partner is his priority.
I never quite know how to negotiate a Scott profile. What are the rules here? If I like you, am I allowed to hang out with you and watch movies all afternoon? Or can we go away for a night? Can we go anywhere together? Or is it purely about sex? I’m confused. Feel free to enlighten me, Canberra.
Also, I always wonder what his wife/partner Alice’s profile looks like on the other side of Tinder. Does she also have on her profile that she’d like multiple sexual or romantic partners? Or is she at home with the kids, too exhausted to spend time in bed with her own husband, let alone anyone else?
Wade, 28, Owner/Operator at Plumbing/Electrician
‘Wade’ according to ChatGPT.
He’s ticked ‘yes’ to drinking, smoking, marijuana, and the pill option if he’s also on Hinge. Which he is.
His profile says ‘Long-term open to short’ relationships, but he’s all about the short-term relationship and will take it wherever he can get it: in the car, at home (as long as mum and dad are away), or in a cheap motel in Queanbeyan.
His interests are Motorcycles, Camping and Binge-watching TV (if ‘Dare Iced Coffee at Smoko’ was an interest, he’d have ticked that). He’s used the recurring ‘tradie template’ for his pics: one pic of you and your mates at a festival, one photo of you camping (preferably in a flannie, holding a sausage on a stick over the fire with a tinnie in the other hand), and one sexy selfie, lying in bed topless with your Staffie Tyson next to you.
Josh, 42, ACT Government policy writer
I can’t even deal with how close this one is to the real Josh. Well played, AI.
Josh is a big fat pile of … lovely.
Slightly balding and with an obvious dad bod, he doesn’t give much (if anything) away because he’s new to online dating and clearly a bit embarrassed. Poor Josh likely broke up with his wife – who, let’s be real, was his high school sweetheart – and now unexpectedly finds himself single in his early 40s.
His photos are either poorly lit pics of him attempting a selfie in his Kmart work shirt (lanyard optional) or him at SeaWorld with the kids’ faces blurred out, wearing Hawaiian shorts (also from Kmart) and beige men’s sandals that velcro up across the toes and the ankle.
If you can get past the sandals, he’s probably a really nice guy. But it’s a swipe left for me.
Jason and Brad, 37, the double-dating lads
It’s a two-for-one deal with these boys. Image by AI.
Ah, the frisky pair who weren’t having much luck individually, so they decided to team up.
I love that one is always hot and one is always fun. You can definitely tell who the alpha is and who the wingman is. Like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Or Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg.
I haven’t been on a double date yet, but I can’t wait. I’m always way more attracted to the fun one.
So, Canberra, what types did I miss? I’m doing my best to try them all and, so far, am thoroughly enjoying the research. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.
