Anna Borges
Conflict in a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s pretty inevitable. Differences in personalities, needs and expectations can cause friction. And stressors like financial difficulties, illness, work responsibilities, parenting and major life changes can test even the most in-sync couples.
So what distinguishes relationships that crumble under pressure from resilient couples who make it through the ups and downs of life together? It’s how they fight that matters most, says Anthony Chambers, director of Northwestern University’s Centre for Applied Psychological and Family Studies.
There are many markers of healthy conflict, from compassionate, validating communication to the ability to recover and reconnect after things go off track. But according to Chambers, who’s also a board-certified couple and family psychologist, one mindset underpins many of the best practices: seeing each other as teammates, not opponents.
Research on “we-ness” supports this idea: a 2019 meta-analysis found that “we-talk” – language that frames partners as a unit – was associated with better relationship functioning, in part by promoting more positive conflict.
“To have a resilient relationship, you must have a shared commitment to overcoming challenges together, and that means remembering you are on the same side even when you’re in conflict,” Chambers says.
That sense of “us” – and the skills and behaviours that come with it – is something couples can develop by investing in their bond.
“If you take time to nurture your relationship and build a strong foundation, you’re more likely to feel like a unified team,” says Tamara Afifi, a professor at the University of California at Santa Barbara who studies communication and resilience in relationships. “That, in turn, affects the way you perceive and engage in conflict and, ultimately, your ability to be resilient.”
How conflict can build resilience
People often use resilience to describe your ability to “bounce back” from adversity, whether it’s an ongoing disagreement with your partner or a major upset in your household. But Afifi doesn’t like that definition. “As humans, we don’t go back to who we were before we went through something – we’re changed by our experiences.” Ideally, she adds, we learn from them and grow so we’re better equipped for the next issue.
In that way, resilience in relationships isn’t just about restoring equilibrium and moving forward after tough times. Healthy conflict, Afifi explains, can be an opportunity to talk through differences, understand your partner’s perspective, gather feedback and identify underlying issues you haven’t addressed as a couple. “In healthy relationships, conflict is a chance to come together to work through a challenge and come out stronger and more resilient because of it.”
So what does productive conflict look like? There isn’t a single definition, just as there isn’t one for resilience, but a team mentality is key to both. “Think of conflict not as a fight but as a joint discussion,” Afifi suggests. “It’s about working and growing together.”
Keeping your shared goal in mind helps couples steer clear of common mistakes like fixating on who’s right, or resorting to harsh language or attacks, Chambers says. Even when fights go off-track, resilient couples reorient toward the “we,” whether by revisiting the conversation after cooling off, reconnecting with physical touch, or taking accountability and apologising. “These little choices add up to strengthen the relationship’s foundation long-term,” Afifi says.
How to fight on the same team
When Chambers works with couples in conflict, he often encourages them to think of it as a game of catch, not a tennis match. “When you’re playing catch, it’s slower and more intentional,” he explains. “You’re gently tossing the ball back and forth, sending and receiving, listening and responding.” On the other hand, he says, tennis is fast and adversarial, with each person trying to score the next point and emerge the winner.
There are many ways to put the “catch” mentality into action. The underlying communication skills take practice, and even strong communicators can benefit from brushing up on the fundamentals. But you don’t have to be a pro to benefit from the metaphor; Chambers says it’s a helpful baseline to return to when you feel yourself arguing as opponents instead of tackling conflict as teammates.
So where can you start? Chambers and Afifi recommend the following strategies.
Set some ground rules
Part of being on the same team is trusting you’ll be treated with care and respect, even during disagreements. Afifi recommends agreeing on what fighting fair looks like, including which behaviours are off-limits. “Decide which lines you never cross,” she says, such as name-calling, denigrating one another’s character, raising voices or engaging in the silent treatment.
Ground rules can also cover how you’ll course-correct when things don’t go perfectly, like agreeing to take a 15-minute breather if you get heated or to always say sorry if feelings get hurt.
Know when to hit pause
Even with thoughtful ground rules, there comes a point when continuing the conversation does more harm than good, whether you’re too emotional to listen with compassion or you’re going in circles because you’re stuck in your position. “We don’t always engage as the best version of ourselves,” Chambers says. “Sometimes, we say things that are inappropriate, inaccurate, unhelpful or that we didn’t mean.”
Whenever conflict starts to feel unproductive, Chambers and Afifi both emphasised the importance of hitting pause rather than pushing through in an effort to reach a resolution. Use that space to reset, not rehearse your argument or stew. “Remind yourself that you are talking to your teammate, not your opponent,” Chambers says. You might also need to help your body calm down, Afifi adds, such as through breathing exercises or taking a walk.
The most important part is actually returning to the conflict once you’re in a frame of mind to have a discussion, not a fight, Afifi says. Sooner is better than later, so you don’t avoid the issue. In the meantime, stay on the same side and keep interactions positive. Three studies looking at post-conflict behaviour linked active repair after a fight – such as apologising, showing affection and spending quality time together – to better emotional recovery.
Talk before resentment builds
Many couples avoid conflict and let little grievances build up into large resentments that eventually erupt, often when they’re least equipped to communicate effectively, Afifi says.
Instead, she recommends setting aside time once a week – or however often works for you – to discuss your relationship. How are you both feeling? Have you been giving each other enough attention? Is there anything on your minds? “Make room for these conversations so they don’t boil up and blow up in your face,” she says.
These check-ins give you a low-pressure setting to practice healthy communication skills, as well as a standing time and place to revisit disagreements you paused earlier. “The best way to engage in conflict is when you’re not actually in a conflict,” Afifi says.
And it’s a practice that couples will always need. “The central task of a romantic relationship is the management of differences, because you’re never going to end up with your clone,” Chambers says. “So the goal isn’t to eliminate conflict. It’s to use it in a way that strengthens the partnership between two individuals who chose to be a team.”
Washington Post
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