What happens if a morning bird goes to bed with a night owl?
Sleep is often treated as an individual practice, yet couples are expected to share a bed. But should you always go to sleep at the same time, and what happens if you – like many couples, including those who work different hours – can’t make it work.
We asked sleep experts about the impact of having differing sleep schedules and how to accommodate each other’s schedules for a good night’s rest.
Night owl or early bird?
Your sleep chronotype is the body’s natural inclination to sleep and wake at your optimal times. This means one person might naturally feel sleepy much earlier than the other.
Alix Mellor, a researcher at Monash University working in mental health and sleep, says that because of our different internal body clocks, trying to force sleep is counterproductive.
“Going to bed before you are sleepy can mean spending more time lying awake, which over time can strengthen the association between bed and wakefulness rather than sleep, which can contribute to insomnia,” Mellor says.
Whether it’s better to hit the hay before or after your partner, it doesn’t matter.
“There is no clear evidence that one is necessarily better than the other,” Mellor says. “The earlier sleeper may be disturbed when their partner eventually comes to bed, particularly if they are sensitive to noise, movement or light.”
Do not disturb
Research shows that sharing a bed can significantly disrupt a partner’s sleep. “Movements, snoring, getting up to use the bathroom and different sleep schedules can all cause disturbances,” Mellor says.
There is also a difference between how people perceive their sleep and what can be objectively measured.
“People sometimes report sleeping better alongside their partner, possibly because of feelings of security, comfort and closeness,” Mellor says. “However, studies using objective measures, such as wrist-worn sleep monitors, often find more awakenings and disrupted sleep when sharing a bed.”
But it’s not all bad news. One sleep study found that sharing a bed increased REM sleep and led to greater synchronisation of sleep stages between couples.
To minimise the impact on your sleeping partner, Mellor suggests:
- Listen to white or brown noise
- Use earplugs and an eye mask
- Minimise light and movement when entering the room
- Adjust the sleep environment to suit both people
If couples have different temperature or bedding preferences, try the Scandinavian sleep method, which involves using separate doonas. This could also help minimise movement when coming to bed later.
Olivia Arezzolo, a leading sleep expert, says not to leave your bedtime routine to chance and to create a sleep sanctuary for yourself.
One of the most effective differences you can make to improve sleep is to focus on temperature.
“When we overheat, this also spikes cortisol, leading to those 3am wakings, and difficulty falling back to sleep,” Arezzolo says.
“Two partners bring increased body heat, meaning this needs to be a deeper consideration to preserve sleep quality for both. For context, melatonin relies on a cool core body temperature to be produced – so if we overheat, we often wake up.”
To manage the sleeping environment, Arezzolo suggests:
- Place a frozen cooling gel pack under your pillow
- Bamboo sheets, which offer great breathability
- Opt for 200-thread-count sheets
- Add a cooling mattress topper
It’s also recommended to invest in a memory foam mattress, which can be helpful for couples on different schedules.
“Especially when we have different sleep schedules, having a bed that does not wake your partner is crucial,” Arezzolo says. “Otherwise, it can lead to unnecessary wakings and difficulties returning to sleep.”
However, she warns that it might not be suitable for hot sleepers. A perpetual argument between couples with different preferences has led to the invention of smart bed systems, such as the $4000 Eight Sleep Pod.
Consider a separation
Sleep divorce, or sleep separation, became one of the biggest sleep trends last year. As the name suggests, it is sleeping in separate beds or rooms from your partner.
It’s an option Mellor says is perfectly reasonable.
“In clinical practice, I see clients who worry that separate bedrooms signal a loss of intimacy or something being wrong in the relationship. But it doesn’t have to mean that at all,” Mellor says.
Instead, Mellor suggests creating opportunities for connection: “Whether that is cuddling before bed, spending time together in the evening or maintaining what I sometimes jokingly call ‘visiting rights’.”
Of course, each solution will vary from couple to couple, but it’s crucial to respect one another’s sleep.
“If sharing a bed means both partners are regularly sleep-deprived, sleeping separately may improve their sleep and, potentially, their relationship,” Mellor says.
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Abby Seaman is a digital producer and lifestyle writer at The Sydney Morning Herald.Connect via email.
