My breakup is ready to come out
Q: Forty years ago, when I was in my 20s, I dated a woman for several months. She became more serious than I was ready for, so I called her and, without much explanation, broke up with her. She was devastated. Ten years later, I came out to myself as a gay man, and I am now happily married. Still, I have always felt terrible about the way I broke up with this woman. I found her online recently. She is married and lives in another state. Should I call her to apologise and tell her the real reason for our breakup? – LONGTIME EX
A: The people with whom we are close deserve our honesty – and to be broken up with in person! So I respect your desire to apologise. I would caution you only to tamp down your expectations: this woman may be grateful to hear the truth after decades, or she may scarcely remember you. Over the course of a full life, a brief love affair in youth may not loom large. In fact, it may have registered more strongly with you for having acted badly. Still, I wish you good luck in making amends!
Choppy waters at the lake
Q: Our son-in-law’s parents invited us to join them – with their entire extended family – for a week-long vacation at a lake house. They are lovely people. Our daughter and son-in-law encouraged us to accept, so we did. Weeks later, our daughter called to say that we should probably back out: our son-in-law’s siblings objected to our going. We were the only people outside of immediate family to accept, and it was causing friction. Our hosts could not very well retract their invitation, so we apologised and said we couldn’t make it after all. Were we unkind not to explain to our hosts the real reason for our not coming? – DISINVITED
A: I think you handled this situation perfectly. Families are complicated, and you spared your hosts the aggravation of continued friction with their children – and saved yourself the discomfort of being unwanted (by some) on a family vacation. Spelling out these reasons to your hosts may have been awkward for everyone.
But since you are genuinely fond of these in-laws, here’s another suggestion: if you live near them, invite them to dinner. If not, try to arrange a weekend with them and your daughter and son-in-law. Deepening the friendship among you will be all to the good!
Leave your opinions at coat check
Q: At social gatherings, friends sometimes wear T-shirts that express political sentiments that are not aligned with my politics. This makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t want to spoil the party or cause a conflict. Advice? – TEED OFF
A: Living in a free society, with its promise of free speech, pretty much guarantees that you will not be comfortable 24/7, if comfort means being in political alignment with everyone you meet. There’s no right answer here: if you can be respectful to friends with whom you disagree, and they can do the same, why not engage them? For me, though, registering disagreement is not my idea of a party – and doesn’t need to happen on a continuous basis.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
©2026 THE NEW YORK TIMES
