Be present, or stay home
Q: My wife and I enjoy hosting parties with live music in our home. The only request we make is that guests refrain from using their phones to record or film the performances. Recently, an attendee openly ignored our wish. I asked him to stop filming, but he refused. He said, “Get over yourself!” – and continued. Is this request a lost cause in the smartphone era? – HOST
A: I have been to plenty of parties where hosts have asked guests to turn off their phones or to stow them in phone lockers. Their rationale is usually to encourage guests to be more present at the party. Aside from a few parents who refused to be unavailable to their babysitters and others who claimed to be waiting for important work calls, I’ve never seen much pushback. And I enjoy being untethered from my phone for a while.
As with most requests, the trick here is in the asking: let your guests know in advance what you want. Mention it on the invitation – no recording or filming, please – so guests get used to the idea. As for those who disregard your request or respond rudely to reminders, keep a list of people not to invite back.
The afterthought’s complaint
Q: My feelings are hurt. Every year, some relatives travel cross-country to visit my sister, who lives four hours from me. After they have made their plans, they send me a text: “It would be nice if you could come down!” They show no consideration for what I might have going on. I am an afterthought! Clearly, they are closer to my sister, but at 70, I am not inclined to make trips at their convenience. Thoughts? – RELATIVE
A: It can be tricky to give advice to people whose feelings are hurt. I don’t want to make you feel worse. But you don’t mention investing any energy in your relationships with these relatives: no phone calls or letters during the year. If that’s the case, and if your sister is putting in the work and hosting them at her home, it doesn’t seem unreasonable for them to plan their visits around your sister, and then to invite you to join them. Now, I may misunderstand the situation. But if not, put in some effort with your relatives and watch their consideration for you grow.
Move the decimal and double
Q: My friend and I, both in our 20s, had lunch at a full-service table in a bar. We split the bill: $19 each. But I noticed that he tipped only $2 – about 10%. I called out his behaviour because I thought the service was good and I don’t think people should go to sit-down restaurants if they can’t afford to compensate the service staff. My friend laughed off my nosiness about his tip. Advice? – FRIEND
A: I agree with the spirit of your complaint: most servers depend on tips, and the customary range [in the US] is between 15 and, more often, 20%. The problem here is that you have no right to enforce this norm. If you think your friends might benefit from gentle reminders, speak up. Otherwise, it’s none of your business.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
©2026 THE NEW YORK TIMES
