Which do you value more: your money back, or the hope of keeping a relationship with your stepson and his wife?

A gift is given without expectation of anything in return. When there’s expectations attached, as there were here, whether explicitly or unspoken, it’s a bribe.

This is not to suggest you continue to give expensive gifts if you don’t want to. You know your stepson’s modus operandi, so plan your emotional and financial exposure accordingly. Either give gifts with no expectation of hearing from him, or dial down your generosity so that the stakes don’t feel quite so dire when he goes MIA again.

Is there any room here to make his absence feel less personal? As in, is he like this with everyone? Is he dealing with turbulence elsewhere in his life that’s taking up all his time and attention? From your very brief description, it reads less as if he’s deliberately cutting you out, and more as if he’s either wrestling with something too big to get his arms around, or is simply a careless – not necessarily malicious – communicator. (If this is newer behaviour, that also speaks to the possibility of something being wrong in Stepson World.) He says, “Sorry, it won’t happen again,” so that would seem to indicate there’s no animosity driving him to cut contact, right?

I could see that changing, though, if he starts to feel as though you’re applying the screws of punishment and guilt-tripping by cancelling his flight because he didn’t communicate the way you wish he would.

I empathise that you’re hurting from watching your husband ache over his son’s behaviour. The helplessness we feel when we can’t fix a situation for someone we love is awful. But anger, and punitive action stemming from that anger, isn’t helpful to you or your husband here.

You can’t force Stepson to change. You can accept that this is the way things are now, while also holding the possibility that they might not be this way forever. You and your husband can let go of your expectations – and the frustrations that come with them – and accept that he will talk to you as he’s willing and/or able. You can periodically send a text that just says you’re thinking of him and hope all is well, without pressing for a response. You can, in short, indicate that the door’s open on your end. Whether and when he chooses to walk through it is up to the guy planning the trip.

Either way, which is going to feel better in the long run? Offering grace and connection to a loved one, even if it never yields the closeness you desire? Or the vindictive satisfaction of a “That’ll teach ’em!” from cancelled plane tickets?