Dating apps’ potential pitfalls
One of dating apps’ biggest selling points is also one of their most commonly criticised features: the sheer number of people they can connect you with – at least in theory. That perceived abundance can result in what researchers call partner choice overload, and it has some not-so-great implications for romance.
The illusion of endless potential matches might keep you swiping instead of firming up plans with one of many good-enough options or leave you less satisfied once you’ve actually made a decision, Taitz said. And research suggests that the longer you search, the more you risk developing a pessimistic rejection mindset, making you more likely to dismiss people than connect with them.
The parade of profiles and messages also makes it easy to collect anecdotes that harden into generalisations around love and romance. Every time you get ghosted, are subjected to harassment or feel like you’re pulling teeth for a simple reply might chip away at your hope of finding a relationship, leave you feeling cynical about other people’s intentions or convince you that there’s something wrong with you, Taitz said.
Studies even tie excessive swiping to a fear of being single and low self-esteem. Taitz noted this might drive you to settle for less in exchange for a relationship or develop a skewed idea of the type of partner or love you think you deserve.
According to Jess Carbino, a New York City-based sociologist and author of the forthcoming book Better Love, many of these dating challenges aren’t unique to apps, just amplified by them. During her time as the former in-house sociologist at two different dating apps, she analysed what she described as “a treasure trove of data” about how people interact, what they want and what hurdles they face, and she found apps get blamed for plenty of historically challenging aspects of dating.
Many of the patterns Carbino observed were age-old issues in a new setting: People weren’t always clear with themselves or others about what they wanted, read too much into limited profile information and projected their own experiences on to strangers.
“It can all lead to a sense of demoralisation, fatigue and overwhelm,” Carbino said. And regardless of dating apps’ exact role in those dynamics, negative experience after negative experience is bound to test anyone’s faith in healthy romance – which is why how you use them is so important.
How to use dating apps more mindfully
Generally, mindfulness is about “present, nonjudgmental awareness,” Taitz said. Applied to dating apps, that can mean knowing why you’re there, noticing how using them makes you feel and resisting the urge to make snap judgments about yourself, your matches or your romantic future.
Break the illusion of choice
It’s important to go into the experience with realistic expectations. Carbino considers the perception of endless romantic options one of the most problematic elements of dating apps – but that the illusion of choice is more of a delusion. “You’re not matching with everyone,” she pointed out. “You won’t like everyone and everyone won’t like you.” Instead, adjust your mindset: Think of apps like any large social gathering: a mix of people you might click with and many you won’t.
Batch your dating app time
Short, intentional blocks of swiping and messaging can keep apps from interrupting the rest of your life, becoming a part-time job or sucking you in with their gamified features. Taitz suggested setting aside 20 or 30 minutes twice a week, then giving the task your full attention. When you’re not scrolling on autopilot, you’re less likely to make assumptions or rely on unhelpful mental shortcuts in your decision-making, she said.
Know what you want – and communicate it
Both experts recommended getting clear on what kind of relationship you want and which qualities matter most before you start matching. Then, just as importantly, find ways to weave your intentions into your profile, messages and early dates. You don’t have to (and shouldn’t) cover everything, but Taitz said she often sees people avoid direct conversations about what they’re looking for because it’s considered fun and flirty to “play it cool”. Doing that just leaves you prioritising likeability over your actual goals, and potentially investing in people who aren’t after the same things.
Use the app to get off the app
According to Carbino, dating apps are most useful as tools for facilitating in-person connections – but people get lost in endless evaluating in an effort to increase their odds of a strong match. “You can optimise your search to an extent, but at a certain point, you have to take a risk and meet face-to-face to really assess whether someone is what you’re looking for,” she said.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t have any screening criteria. Carbino recommended identifying a few priorities you can reasonably screen for on a profile and early messaging – like whether you’re attracted to them, they communicate respectfully or they take initiative in planning – and saving most of the important vetting for in person.
“Fundamentally, human relationships are a lot about letting things progress in an organic fashion,” Carbino said. “And eventually, that involves getting off the apps.”
