Initiating a vulnerable conversation about how you were raised with a parent can be difficult, especially if they aren’t open to listening, or worse, if they respond with: “You had it much easier than I did.”
A parent-child relationship is tricky to navigate, and it’s no surprise that phrases like “emotionally immature parents” echo around social media, resonating with adult children.
The term was first popularised in the 2015 book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Since then, the book has become a pop-psychology sensation, selling more than a million copies and remaining a No.1 bestseller on Amazon.
President of the Australian Psychological Society Kelly Gough says the term has likely remained so popular because it groups so many recognisable traits.
“It has a nice vibe to it. It feels descriptive on its surface. You read it, and you think you know what it means,” says Gough. However, he warns that labels like this can create problems.
“As soon as you put a label on something, you might start seeing everything in a different light and that might not be reasonable or fair.” Here’s what experts want you to know about so-called emotionally immature parents.
Is my parent emotionally immature?
Being an emotionally immature parent (EIP) isn’t a recognised diagnosis, but a catchall term used to categorise parents who might be emotionally unavailable, disregarding or selfish towards their children.
Signs of an EIP could be avoiding or dismissing conversations about emotions and being generally selfish. One common example of an EIP is a refusal to apologise, or the adult child feeling that they were forced to be the more mature one in the relationship.
Sydney-based clinical family therapist Jenny Brown says emotional immaturity can look like the book examples, but at its core, it is someone ruled by their feelings and stress. “It’s a real thing.”
Signs you have an emotionally immature parent, according to author Linsday Gibson
- My parents didn’t express much empathy or emotional awareness.
- My parent was irritated by differences or different points of view.
- I didn’t feel listened to.
- My parents’ moods affected the whole household.
- I felt like I could never do enough to make my parent happy.
- Open, honest conversations with my parent were difficult or impossible.
- Even polite disagreement could make my parents very defensive.
“In psychology talk, it’s someone who hasn’t got a strong enough internal locus of control … it looks like self-absorption, but it comes from being led by their feelings and not being able to manage internal distress,” says Brown. “In an emotionally immature person, feelings are running the show, and they are being led by stress rather than principle.”
According to Gough, predictability is a big factor in the quality of parenting. “Crappy parents are the ones who are consistently crap,” he says. “Maybe they are always dismissive of you, there’s no interest in your feelings, or maybe they are unpredictable, and you never know what you’re going to get.”
Looking for broader patterns can be helpful when reminiscing on your childhood, says Gough.
Ask yourself if the parent did their best within the constraints of their life. Gough suggests starting a healthy conversation with the parent, if you can, and earnestly ask about the stressful memories.
Managing the relationship
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with an EIP, Brown says, but being empathetic is a good first step. Consider the bigger picture and recognise that your parents are human.
“First, step back and look at the big picture,” she says. It might feel easier to have little to no contact with an EIP, but Brown offers a different perspective.
“Young people can be quick to label their parents as emotionally immature and cut them off or go into low contact mode,” she says. “Relationships don’t have to be great for them to be helpful.”
Brown suggests using the relationship to practice setting boundaries and being less reactive to triggers.
“Contact shouldn’t be more than we can manage. Start small, keep it lighthearted,” says Brown.
Brown says she often quotes Frank Sinatra’s New York, New York when discussing relationships with a difficult parent, telling her clients: “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere”.
Avoid being an emotionally immature parent
Parenting is a job seldom done perfectly. Brown, who founded the Parent Hope Project, describes it as a “stressful endeavour”, more so for those parenting on their own.
“Our relationships are dynamic, we can always grow, the past doesn’t define us,” she says. “All of us are on a continuum of low maturity to moderate maturity. Very few of us, myself included, are high maturity.”
To be an emotionally mature parent, Brown says it’s about regulating your emotions first.
“We can be intentional about working on managing our reactivity with our children … ask how you can take time out so that feelings and emotions are not running the parenting show. For every parent out there, we have to remember that we all have days we are going to be emotionally immature.”
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Abby Seaman is a digital producer and lifestyle writer at The Sydney Morning HeraldConnect via email.
