If public representations of fatherhood on Father’s Day are to be believed, almost everyone has an idyllic father-child relationship.
Between overly effusive social media declarations of love and connection, Father’s Day school events, restaurant brunches and the plethora of cards and personalised mementos available for purchase, the expectations of this day devoted to honouring dads can be overwhelming.
For those who have a less than ideal relationship with either their father or children, the day can further exacerbate already complicated feelings.
“Father’s Day can be a sense check for the state of your relationship with both your children and your own father,” says Elisabeth Shaw, clinical psychologist and chief executive of Relationships Australia, NSW. “The cards to buy and posts you see online are all about calling out the success of father-child relationships.
“It can throw into stark contrast your ambivalence or disconnection from your own relationships.”
Clinical psychologist and board member for the Fathering Project Dr James Brown, echoes this sentiment.
“As a society we really set this day up to be difficult for a lot of people,” he says. “Traditions like Father’s Day are a wonderful thing to have, but we don’t have a lot of compassion or sensitivity for those whose experience doesn’t match the ideal Hallmark card.”
With changing expectations of fathers, there are factors at play beyond just family dynamics.
“In generations past, it was more normal to grow up with a father who wasn’t a strong, present figure and there wasn’t an expectation that he would be,” Brown says. “Now that fathers are more involved in their children’s lives, it creates a sharper contrast for adult children whose experience was different. Father’s Day can bring that painfully into focus.”
In the face of all this, how can you best manage feelings of dissatisfaction, anger or grief when you have a strained, unfulfilling or estranged relationship with your father or child?
Conduct a ‘self-audit’ before the big day
If you know it’s going to be a tough day, it’s important to anticipate the difficulty of it.
Shaw suggests doing a “self-audit” to ascertain what challenges might come up on the day, so you can spend it in a way that doesn’t erode your own mental health or fuel your anger with the situation. Anticipating disappointment – if you don’t hear from your child, for example – or jealousy of other people’s family dynamics ahead of time can make these emotions easier to deal with.
Equally, it can be helpful to avoid loading the day with expectations that can easily become another injury to your relationship.
“If your adult kids contact you a couple of days later, or you book a lunch with them at some other time, it’s important to take that in the spirit of care for you,” says Shaw.
Make plans to look forward to
For fathers who are struggling, Shaw recommends getting together to share memories with other dads who were around when you brought up your kids, or focusing on doing something for yourself that’s nothing to do with fathering on Sunday.
If you’re an adult child with a complicated relationship with your father, Brown encourages spending the day in “pleasant distraction” with people who have been a positive influence, such as a father figure or mentor.
And while counselling can help manage challenging feelings, Brown recognises that for some the day will just be difficult.
Take a compassionate view
If you can’t solve a situation, approaching it with compassion and acceptance can be a solution, even if just in the short term.
According to Shaw, parents can fall short for a variety of reasons. “Sometimes we have to take the pressure off and accept we are all flawed and imperfect in some way and evaluate our disappointment from a more compassionate perspective,” she says. “There’s something about coming to peace with the real father you have as opposed to the father in your head.”
And if you’re a father missing their child on Father’s Day, it can be OK to reach out, but don’t expect a response and be sure to respect any pre-existing boundaries around communication.
“If you’re estranged from your adult child, you might text them to say, ‘I’m sorry we’re not as close as we could be. I hope we can work on that in the future, but I’m thinking of you today and glad I’m your dad.’”
Be there for others
If Father’s Day doesn’t trigger you personally, it’s still important to acknowledge others who might be having a tough time.
“Reach out as you would with any other loss or bereavement,” Shaw says. “If you know a father cut off from his kids, not at his own behest, saying something like, ‘I remember you as a dad and I think well of you as a dad’ could be a real comfort.”
When it comes to celebrating Father’s Day, the significance of the day should not be overemphasised.
“As a society we have put a big red circle around a calendar day and said, ‘This is a really special day for everyone’,” Brown says. “In doing that, we’ve made it effectively harder for other people, and we need to be far more sensitive to that.
“At the end of the day, it’s just one day in the calendar. Let’s not get too stuck on it.”
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