Behind closed doors, what do you reckon Charles and William are hashing over? I wouldn’t have thought it’s what to do with Uncle Andrew’s teddy bear collection or even what to do with said Andrew, now he’s off their hands and in those of the law.
In my mind, they’re huddled over tumblers of Glenfiddich, terrifying each other with the famous line from that old horror movie: “The call is coming from inside the house.”
And who’s on the blower? Sarah Ferguson. Former Duchess of York. Current undetonated bomb.
Fergie’s the loose cannon who could blow a serious hole in The Firm’s frantic desire to rehabilitate the narrative that they sheltered a relative who consorted with a dead paedophile, and was last week arrested for misconduct in public office.
They tried for business as usual, with the Waleses gamely gussying up for the BAFTAs, their first big jazzy event since Andrew was carted to the cop shop.
But there’s only so much that glossy hair and a velvet jacket can do to distract public attention and allay their own private reality. Which is that Sarah Ferguson was once a royal insider who was close to the late Queen. She truly knows where the bodies are.
She has a great untold “access-all-areas” story. She has no shame, she has nothing to lose and she’s broke. The question for senior royals now: Is Fergie potentially more dangerous than Andrew to the Windsors’ reputation, image and future?
We’ve already seen the photo of a delighted Andrew on all fours over a frozen woman. We’ve seen his arm around teenage Virginia Giuffre. We’ve heard allegations of trade envoy deeds. Even if the former prince ends up in prison, there’s perhaps limited shock value to be found here.
But nobody has heard Fergie’s story. And I bet my secret hot fudge sauce recipe and maybe even my 1980s Covers dress with silver rickrack trim that she’s dying to write and sell it.
The only thing stopping her might be that her daughters would be irrevocably again drawn into her muck. Would she be a mother first and keep mum, or throw Beatrice and Eugenie to the wolves and cash in? You be the judge. I know what I think.
A month or so ago, Fergie made headlines – and made me jealous – for reportedly moving to a converted cowshed at Princess Beatrice’s country place to lay low. But after all the fawning, grasping emails she sent to Jeffrey Epstein were released, she’s gone even further off the grid.
That move is the best judgment she’s shown in years. Because the emails are repulsive. Sarah asks for work, asks for money, asks Epstein to marry her, asks for “a bed” in New York for her “pretty” goddaughter.
In a 2010 exchange, she wrote, “Just waiting for Eugenie to come back from a shagging weekend!” Yes. You are not mistaken. A mum shared details of her teenage daughter’s sex life with a man who had been convicted of soliciting a minor for prostitution.
Many of us would crawl under a rock to have this shamelessness aired. Not Fergie. She’s reportedly most recently hit up the United Arab Emirates and French Alps, after spending almost all of January at a $17,000-a-night Swiss wellness centre.
All so on brand for her character. After decades of singing her ex’s praises, leveraging his titles and connections, living with him, she’s done a bunk. He faces the music, she slips out the stage door. Thanks for everything, see ya. Now, how can I grift more luxury?
If the travel stories are true, I’d love to know who’s bankrolling it. Maybe people still owe Fergie freebies (again, she’s seen a lot) or maybe she’s already signed a fat publishing deal.
Or – cue agent provocateur conspiracy theory – could someone super rich, like, say, a royal, be paying her to stay away and shut up?
Because if you were sitting atop a vault of first-hand secrets and humiliations about The Firm, your silence would be worth buying. And right now, Fergie’s might be the most valuable silence in the world.
Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media.
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