Maggie Penman
We all know someone who seems to be an endless source of negativity.
We get it. The world can be a dark place, and the news cycle could make anyone spiral. But whether it’s coming from a close family member or a co-worker, relentless pessimism can be frustrating, especially if you’ve chosen not to doomscroll to protect your mental health.
Therapists say there are strategies that can help someone who is stuck in a negative cycle, and you can set boundaries to protect your own mood. They also have advice if you’re the one who finds yourself feeling like a Debbie Downer.
Why telling someone to “look on the bright side” can backfire
It can be tempting when someone is overly focused on the negative to tell them the reasons to be hopeful. The impulse comes from a good place – but it can make the person feel even worse.
“I think a lot of people try that optimistic path, and they’re genuinely well-meaning,” says Zoe Wyatt-Potage, a clinical social worker focused on trauma and resilience. “They want to essentially take away that pain.” Unfortunately, she says, it often has the opposite effect.
“It can create shame around those normal emotional responses – sadness, anger, grief, frustration or fear,” Wyatt-Potage says. Whether they’re talking about the news or something they’re worried about at work, negative emotions are part of life.
In her research, Wyatt-Potage has looked at toxic positivity and why it can be so harmful – even when well-intentioned. She says many of her clients who come into therapy have been met with “emotional pressure” from loved ones to be positive.
“It can feel so invalidating for someone to share something they’re struggling with and have the other person say, ‘but look on the bright side,’” says Dawn Johnson, a clinical psychologist in Washington, DC. “It is probably the number one complaint I hear about relationships in therapy. People come in and say, ‘I’m telling my loved one how upset I am, and they are telling me to be happy.’”
Many of us are uncomfortable sitting with negative emotions – which is part of why we rush in to offer solutions and silver linings. But therapists say often the kindest thing to do is let the other person talk about what’s wrong, and really listen.
Try reflecting emotions
If you find yourself on the receiving end of a negative monologue, experts suggest, try out reflecting, a strategy often used in counselling.
“Sometimes a person who is negative really just needs to feel like they’re being heard,” says Tina Gilbertson, a therapist and author of the book Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them. If you’re up for it, she recommends, listen to identify the emotions the person seems to be expressing, rather than responding to the facts of their story.
Try saying: “It sounds like you’re feeling really worried,” or whatever emotion you’re hearing from them. Hopefully the person will feel validated when you name what they’re experiencing – and maybe even start recognising and naming their own feelings better.
Gilbertson says that people who are chronically negative are often doing this unconsciously, either because they learned from their own family to focus on what’s going wrong or because they feel unhappy and their brain is looking for reasons for their low mood.
“You can hold up a mirror,” Gilbertson says. “It really does put a wrench into the works of an unconscious process.”
Sometimes this strategy won’t help. If the person feels misunderstood or the emotions you’re naming aren’t resonating with them, they might get more upset. If that happens, stay calm and get curious.
“You can listen and ask questions,” Gilbertson says. She suggests trying something open-ended and nonjudgmental, like, “What makes you say that?”
Sympathetic sounds can also work well.
“‘Hmm,’ is a great answer,” says Johnson.
She adds that it’s important not to take responsibility for other people’s emotions.
“You can’t make someone feel something,” Johnson says. “Take that pressure off yourself.”
If the negative person in your life is a close friend or loved one, and you suspect they might be depressed, you might consider letting them know you’re worried about them and suggesting they talk to a professional.
Resist the urge to “fix it”
If someone is complaining about a problem that has a potential solution, it can be tempting to rush in and try to solve it for them. This is a lovely impulse – often driven by our altruistic desire to help one another – but sometimes we’re missing the point.
“Often the real problem is how they feel, and you can’t fix that,” says Gilbertson.
If that’s the case, she says, any solutions you offer up won’t resolve it.
If you’re not sure whether the person is looking for help solving a problem or just a sympathetic ear, Wyatt-Potage suggests just asking them.
Set boundaries
Emotions can be contagious. Research has demonstrated that humans often mimic each other’s facial expressions, tones and postures. You can be compassionate and want to help someone, but if you end up taking on their low mood, that won’t be productive for either of you.
“We pick up other people’s moods,” says Ashley Alderette, a clinical psychologist. She explains that humans have “mirror neurons” that fire not only when we take an action – but even when we perceive it. If you see someone looking sad, your facial expression will start to mimic theirs and your mood will follow. She says it can help to be aware of this when it’s happening – and try to interrupt the process by taking a deep breath and regulating your own nervous system.
As a therapist, Gilbertson says, she has had to learn how to listen to people who are depressed without making their feelings her own.
“I’m totally OK with people having big emotions,” Gilbertson says. “At the end of the day, when I’ve talked to people who are in deep pain, I have compassion for them, but I don’t carry the weight of their pain, because I know that they can carry it, and that they feel better for the fact that I’m in their presence and letting them have that pain.”
This is easier said than done – and therapists have professional training to help them. Try setting some boundaries for yourself, limiting how much time you spend with a co-worker or friend who is in a negative place. Stay aware in the moment, and remind yourself that you don’t have to take on their feelings.
What if you’re the Debbie Downer?
If you find yourself stuck in a negative thought pattern, or struggling to cope with the regular stressors of life, there are things that can help.
Take care of the basics. A recent paper published in the Journal of American College Health confirmed what may seem like common sense: eating breakfast, exercising regularly and sleeping well went a long way toward helping students in the study handle stress and stay “psychologically flexible”.
Spend time with other people. You don’t necessarily even have to talk about what’s bothering you. Research has found that we co-regulate and our bodies mirror each other’s moods, so even just going for a walk with someone who is calm and kind or taking a yoga class with a group can help.
Talk to a therapist. If you’re having trouble appreciating the good things in your life, a therapist can help you figure out where the negativity is coming from. “I have had the experience now of working with clients where they seem stuck for so long,” says Johnson. “Then I see when they come out of it, and that is so rewarding.”
Try practicing gratitude. It may sound cliché, but practicing gratitude works, Johnson says. Try taking a few minutes before bed to notice and write down what’s going well in your life and what you’re grateful for, and you may find yourself starting to see more and more things to add to the list.
“You’re starting to retrain your brain to see the true but positive,” Johnson says. “Often Debbie Downers are seeing the true, but negative.”
Washington Post
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