But I’m not playing those games any more. I double, triple, quadruple text my girlfriend all the time. She assures me it doesn’t make her like me any less. However, the texting paralysis that entered my dating life has followed into texts with friends, employers and my mother. I am not an avoidant person, generally. I don’t want to ghost anyone. But, there is something about the tone, pace and consistency of digital etiquette that fries my brain. I receive a message. I read the message. I process the message. And then … I ignore the message. In my head, I know I have to reply to that damn message, but then three weeks go by, and I’m left thinking: would it not be easier to just leave the country?

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This situation where people think they need to be available all the time is part of the problem. No wonder we are getting burnt out when we feel like we can never sign off. Being available 24/7 across every app is a new kind of exhaustion. I’m jealous of my parents’ youth. Their only form of communication was a phone call once a week, and then a Friday night date.

I adore a phone call. I can be honest and witty and funny, and I don’t have all the time in the world to think of a perfect response, or an excuse to avoid. I just do. With Snapchat, BeReal, Slack, Messenger, WhatsApp, Instagram DMs, Gmail, Discord, TikTok inbox, LinkedIn messages, the owl postage service from Harry Potter … how can I keep up? And on the rare occasion I do, I’m second-guessing everything I say: was that funny? Did I reply too quickly? Did I take too long to reply? Was that full stop aggressive? Are they sharing my email with everyone in the office and laughing at me?

I’ve realised that it’s not that I don’t want to reply to anyone, let alone my cousin for asking about my dog’s name. It’s that I want to reply like a normal person, and not like a chatbot.

And in case you were wondering about my dog’s name – it’s Butch.

Roby D’Ottavi is a writer and director based in Melbourne.

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