Being an expert doesn’t protect me from the early feelings of overwhelm. Of course, I can still feel it. But my work with hundreds of clients and what science has learned from thousands of research participants can help us all understand the predictable thoughts and behaviours that lead to debilitating overwhelm. Then, we can learn how to address it usefully when it does occur.
What leads to overwhelm?
Sometimes we treat even mild stress like a problem to be solved
Moderate levels of stress can be useful. Positive stress helps us feel alive, engaged, and healthily challenged. Sometimes the trouble comes when we treat each worry or moment of stress as something to fix.
Stress isn’t a maths equation; it can simply be an experience to be noticed. It rises, peaks, then falls. Sometimes the best thing we can do is notice it without running from it or obsessing over it.
Unfortunately, many of us are struggling with chronic stress and overwhelm because…
We are disconnected from time and space
We evolved to use the cues of daylight, seasons, and surroundings to guide when we work and when we rest. For many, the tools of work and play are collapsed into a flat, shiny screen. To cope, we stay on alert, knowing we might receive a boss’s request while we’re cuddled in bed with our partner, or get a phone notification while reading our children their bedtime stories.
In this fog of tension and stress…
We do too much while telling ourselves that it is never enough
In a world flooded with information and a culture that rewards ever-increasing efficiency, we read more than we can remember, learn more than we can ingest, and do more than our bodies can tolerate. Yes, living in this moment in time can be an incredible privilege. We know more and can do more than ever before. Unfortunately, that same abundance overload can delude us into fixating on “more, better, faster” instead of enjoying what is already enough.
When we are flooded like this, we are more likely to become stuck in burnout and overwhelm because…
We think we can do everything or we think we can do nothing
For too long, psychology and medicine heavily favoured individual self-help while under-emphasising the huge impacts of community and culture. Put simply, we are told that we can fix it all ourselves, even when the stressors we face are large and wide, like a raging river. As any Kiwi knows, you don’t cross every river solo. Some rivers are so wide, so turbulent, we need to cross them together, arms linked. The same is true for stressors.
So when we feel stressed, what actually helps?
For small streams, or the parts of your life where you have lots of control, I recommend a practical, three-step process: soothe, transcend, then move.
- First, soothe your body. You can take long, deep breaths, repeat a mantra or prayer while marching in place, or even put your face in ice-cold water.
- When your breathing and heart rate are calm, you can transcend this problem or moment and think creatively about ways to tackle the challenges you face. Talking or writing about our problems is one of the simplest ways to gain a bit of distance and perspective. Personally, a simple self-compassion script can also help: “This is hard. This is part of being human. You can do this, slowly, slowly.”
- Finally, make one gentle, meaningful move or shift at a time. The key guiding principles of behaviour change are: (1) prioritise one small thing to focus on, (2) define why this one thing is important and how you will make a change, (3) pick a SMART goal (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound), (4) try it out and take notes, then (5) iterate and keep going.
Keep in mind that all individual change takes time. When I moved to New Zealand from the United States, I knew I was lonely and hoped for more friends. But it took me a few RSA meals and a few book club meetings before I found people and places that felt comfortable. The perfect first plan knows it is imperfect.
Channel the lessons of Darwin. Behaviour change depends on three key skills: variation, selection and retention. As you iterate and progress, choose what is working (selection) and keep doing that (retention). Make small improvements based on what you observe (variation). On and on, over and over, till you reach your goal.
For big community or cultural shifts, the strategy is different. For large, turbulent rivers, find a group, link arms and move forward together. Yes, community and belonging require attention and effort, but it’s also deeply protective. Our relationships with partners or friends, nature or a presence larger than ourselves are all related to increased happiness, satisfaction, wellbeing and vitality. Together we can make big changes and tackle large challenges.
Human life is a team sport; as a bonus, life is easier and more fun together. Here’s to healthy stress, time for work and time for rest, and crossing the hard bits together.
Dr Kerry Makin-Byrd is a clinical psychologist who translates science into practical non-fiction. She is the author of the newly released Start Here: A Practical Guide For The Overwhelmed and the memoir The Ballad of Burnout. Based in Wellington, New Zealand, she divides her time between writing, providing trauma therapy, and consulting with doctors and therapists. Her favourite types of rest are cold swims with her family and caring for foster cats.
