Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions about workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: a workplace affair, a defensive management team and balancing grief and a career change.
I’ve been married for many years. For the most part, we are happy and have a beautiful home, healthy, intelligent kids, good friends. However, recently, my wife has grown colder, physically and emotionally. I’ve tried to discuss this several times, but the conversation gets shut down constantly. This has been pretty brutal for me and came to a head when a co-worker and I went out for dinner on a work trip and, like a complete cliche, we ended up having sex. It was largely left at that. I have since made many attempts to converse with my wife (let’s talk, see a therapist, what can I do, what do you need) but I don’t feel I am helping. What should I do?
This is definitely not the usual question I might get to this column, but let me do my best. I am not a marriage counsellor by any means, so just take this for what it is worth.
If you are still working every day with the woman you had the affair with, then that feels like it is an ongoing practical challenge you need to confront. It sounds like having that temptation right there is unlikely to help give you the greatest chance of success on the home front.
From what you have said, it does sound like you have tried to engage with your wife about how you are feeling, and it isn’t working as you might have hoped. Have you considered going to get therapy on your own? You can then be free to talk about what you are dealing with and everything that led you to this point, both in your marriage and at work. An individual therapist may help bring you some clarity about where to next and possibly give you some tools to try and encourage a more positive path forward at home.
Once you work on yourself, hopefully everything else in your life will fall into place in the way you that will work best for you and your family.
I work for a company that presents itself to clients as innovative and adaptive. Internally, the culture is one of vague instructions, management defensiveness, reliance on buzzwords rather than direction, and laying blame on staff and never management. This has led to high staff turnover, which often delays projects even more. Is there a better way to raise these concerns with a management team that is constantly blame-shifting and dismissive?
This is a tricky one since the kind of managers you describe rarely respond well to being told they are the problem. The best chance you have is to have a conversation focused purely on client outcomes.
One of the issues you have raised is vague instructions, which I can only assume leads to rework, project delays and constantly needing to clarify what needs to be done, by whom and when. This is a tangible client-focused issue that can be raised in a meeting with management and in a way that isn’t seeking to apportion blame.
Can you ask your managers about improving the quality of client briefs, so that clients can benefit from the expertise within the business in a streamlined and time effective way?
Use language that will work in your environment but basically see if you can move this out from being the fault of anyone in particular, and just a challenge for everyone to accept to service your clients well.
I’m 55 and recently lost my husband to cancer. Part of my grief journey is releasing grief about my job. I’m in the military, and I’ve been told I’ll never get promoted beyond my modest rank. I’m desperate to find a new career and find some joy and purpose to my life, but I just don’t know what job I should be looking for. I am thinking of trying a career coach, but they seem expensive, and I worry I won’t get tangible results from them. What is your advice?
First, I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. Carrying grief and a career crossroads at the same time is an enormous weight.
Before spending any money, use what’s available to you for free. The ADF has first class transition support services specifically for separating members, and they are worth accessing immediately if you haven’t already. They exist precisely for this time in your life and will help connect you with a career coach or mentor who can help you find the options that suit you best. As an ex-military member myself, I know you have much to offer the civilian world. A career coach who understands what you bring from the ADF and can translate that into “civvie speak” will really help. Good luck.
To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.
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Dr Kirstin Ferguson AM is the author of Blindspotting: How to See What Others Miss and Head & Heart: The Art of Modern Leadership. Kirstin is ranked in the world’s Thinkers50 list and holds a PhD in leadership and culture. www.kirstinferguson.com.Connect via X, Facebook or email.
