Each week Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions about workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: bad manners, a fear of working alone and a demotion before retirement.
I’ve noticed a marked decline in good manners in the workplace recently. If I’m talking to a group of people at a work or networking function and a person approaches, I always step back a little to widen the circle to allow that person in. Then, at the first break in conversation, I explain what the group is talking about, giving the newcomer an opportunity to contribute. However, at a recent cocktail party at a weekend conference, I wandered from circle to circle, and no one let me in. I ended up going back to my room and going to bed. How can we improve this?
If this happened once, then you could put it down to an engrossed or socially oblivious group at the conference. But if this is something you find is happening repeatedly, it is worth considering – without spiralling into self-blame – whether there may be an underlying reason. I agree good manners require others to make room for someone to join a conversation. Likewise, self-awareness requires occasionally asking why they didn’t.
If anything happens like this more than a few times, I think it is healthy to ask ourselves if there is anything we might be inadvertently doing that causes people to react this way. Think honestly about whether you tend to join a conversation and then interrupt, dominate, correct people, complain, tell long stories or steer every discussion back to yourself. Do you approach networking as an exchange between equals, or as an opportunity to find someone useful? Sometimes we are excellent at opening the circle but less aware of the effect we have once inside it.
Ask a trusted colleague who has seen you at these events for candid feedback: “I found it difficult to connect with people at the conference. Is there anything in the way I approach groups or participate in conversations that might be putting people off?” Then listen without getting defensive – genuinely listen to learn.
My government workplace has been restructured, and my role is disappearing. I can apply for a new position at my existing level, which I would probably secure, but I may also be offered a more senior industry role with similar pay. The difficulty is that the industry position is entirely remote, with no office. I live alone, enjoy the social side of work and worry that full-time remote work would become lonely. Should I pursue advancement or try my luck in the new government structure?
I wouldn’t dismiss the industry role just because of a fear of loneliness, but I wouldn’t ignore that risk either. Given you live alone, the social aspect of any position you accept is an incredibly important component of the offering and not just a “nice to have”.
Before you decide, I would try to find out as much as you can about what it means to be “entirely remote” and whether there is any possibility of working in an office environment. Try to speak to someone you know who works in the team and ask how often they meet face-to-face and what an ordinary week feels like.
Once you have more information, you will be in a better position to compare the two offers. Importantly, you won’t just be comparing the financial side but also whether you are likely to be able to build a genuine connection with your coworkers. Given how important that is for you, remaining in a government role might be a great fit.
I am in my late fifties and have spent 15 years with a large multinational company, most recently in senior management reporting directly to a vice president. For operational reasons, my team and I are being moved into another division and I will no longer report to a VP. My salary will not change, but I regard this as a demotion and feel deeply hurt. I cannot afford to resign, so I plan to remain until retiring at 60 and quietly quit. Is that sensible, and how should I respond?
First things first, it is worth establishing if you have actually been demoted. While it might feel like a demotion and I understand it is a blow to the ego, in such a large organisation, this could be a reshuffle for other reasons. Ask your current VP directly for the operational rationale and whether this change is likely to affect your authority or career pathways in the business.
Second, develop a financial plan to make sure you are in a position to be able to retire at 60. Now is the time to speak to a financial advisor and explain the few years’ work you have left and what you need to get in place to fulfil that goal.
To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.
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Dr Kirstin Ferguson AM is the author of Blindspotting: How to See What Others Miss and Head & Heart: The Art of Modern Leadership. Kirstin is ranked in the world’s Thinkers50 list and holds a PhD in leadership and culture. www.kirstinferguson.com.Connect via X, Facebook or email.
