There comes a time in every person’s sexual life when they’ll inevitably be faced with a question that can stop them in their tracks.
Most likely, it’ll occur at the start of a courtship, and usually during a moment of intimacy. Though these days, it’s also not uncommon to get the question via dating app after exchanging only a few pleasantries.
“So, what do you like?”
The question is usually asked with good intentions, spurred on by the desire to be able to give their partner what they want in bed and help them reach climax. Nonetheless, for many people, it prompts anxiety and uncertainty due to the reality that they simply don’t have the answer.
“Because we don’t encourage people to talk about sex, it’s already set up with shame and stigma, so a lot of people find it really difficult,” says sex and relationship therapist Tanya Koens. “Some people are really good at talking to their friends about sex, but when it comes to someone asking them directly – ‘what is it that you like?’ – they freeze.”
Part of this is down to a lack of sex education.
In February, the Burnet Institute released the results from a survey of 1049 young people, in which 77 per cent reported sexual pleasure is not covered at school.
The survey identified a considerable gap in practical guidance around consent, pleasure and healthy relationships where people have been left to navigate issues of intimacy and pleasure alone.
It’s a hot button issue. In March, the Australian government invested $5.5 million for the Australian Human Rights Commission (AHRC) to conduct its own On Your Terms youth survey. Aimed at young people aged between 14 and 18, it’s examining awareness and understanding of issues surrounding consent and respectful relationships education.
Our collective lack of sexual knowledge is compounded by a problematic pattern of individuals believing their partner can intuit what they want in bed without having a conversation about it, says sex and relationship therapist Alexandra Trkulja.
One of the most common assumptions people make about sex is that their lovers should somehow just know what they like, she says. “Sexual communication is avoided by so many people. They worry it’s awkward, or that talking will ruin the mood.”
Trkulja notes that it can feel a lot like being put on the spot. “There’s a certain sense of urgency we might feel, whether real or perceived, that makes people panic,” she says. “More than that, I think liking things is nuanced, and subjective. You can like something you’ve never tried before, and it’s hard to ask for that because you haven’t experienced it yet.”
Even if you do have an understanding of your sexual desire and what turns you on, the question can still be met with hesitancy if you’re worried that the answer might make them view you differently. “It’s such a stigmatised topic,” Koens says. “People fear being misinterpreted.
“Sometimes people feel fear or shame around what it is that they like, they’re afraid of being judged or being looked upon as weird, or sometimes they don’t feel worthy of the pleasure they want.”
In March, dating app Feeld released its State of Reflections, Vol. 1 research report which found that 42 per cent of the 6000 respondents engaged in kink, but only 25 per cent considered talking about safe sex as “normal”.
This research suggests that any fears that your pleasures are deviant should be quashed by the fact that there’s a discrepancy between what people privately engage in and what they publicly discuss.
Sex therapists are unanimous in their advice that the solution begins with communication.
“If you want to have great sex, you’re going to need to learn how to talk about it,” Koens says. “Most people don’t like it, but we don’t like doing a lot of things we still do. Plenty of people don’t like getting up early to go to the gym, but they feel great when they’ve done it.”
To overcome the difficulty of talking during, and about, sex, Trkulja tells her clients to practise outside the bedroom.
“I often suggest people get really comfortable asking for what they do and don’t like in non-sexual contexts first,” she says. “Did your food arrive without that extra bacon? Go ask for it. Did you get given the wrong coffee order? Go ask for it to be fixed. Did someone offer to give you a massage, but it’s too hard or soft? Communicate exactly how you like it. A great place to start is with the everyday moments and opportunities to practise consent and communication.”
There’s also a better way to get your partner to open up.
Beyond the simple and dauntingly broad question of what your partner likes in bed, experts recommend specificity to reduce the risk of overwhelm.
“Use more adjectives,” Trkulja advises. “Ask ‘how do you like to be kissed? Slowly, softly, intensely?’ Or, kiss the way you might already kiss, and ask ‘how can this be better?’”
Koens adds that it’s helpful to lead by example if you sense your partner isn’t confident, noting that the TV show Heated Rivalry models an excellent dynamic between two people navigating new sexual terrain.
“I love the conversations they have about sex,” she says. “The first time they’re together, Ilya asks Shane, ‘what do you wanna do?’ And Shane says, ‘I don’t know’. And it’s so OK. He doesn’t shame him. He doesn’t badger him.
“Consent is a really big part of this because it sets up safety. If you feel safe with someone, it’s much easier to say what you want.”
Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.
