A big shoutout to the City of Port Phillip or – in the spirit of this story – a quiet little clap. The Melbourne council – perhaps inspired by Transport for NSW’s recent crackdown – has pushed to ban dangerous, noisy jet skis within 200 metres of its many popular beaches, in a move that is piquing the interest of other coastal authorities.
Now that these aquatic pests are under the pump, I reckon it’s time to turn our attention inland to the greatest threat to world peace. Or suburban harmony at the very least.
The infamous leaf blower.
I cannot believe the leaf blower is allowed to exist. There are so many things wrong with this dunderhead invention, I barely know where to start. I’ll take it slowly. Breathe deeply.
I’m relaxing on the couch in the afternoon, musing over the lines of Desiderata: “Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in… BRUP. BRUP. WHEEEEEE! Our neighbour has started up his leaf blower. Again. It’s the third day running and his driveway is already perfectly clean. Is he using a gas leaf blower? Electric? The quieter but weaker battery variety? I have no idea but it sounds like 1000 mosquitoes whining their way to the core of my brain. It’s Laurence Olivier drilling into Dustin Hoffman’s two front teeth in Marathon Man (minus the anaesthetic). It’s the wail of a banshee that shatters my nerves long after my neighbour’s pressed the OFF button and gone inside to play with his dust buster. In short, it’s a nightmare.
If some good could come from this cacophony, you might say it’s worth it. But the leaf blower is patently useless. The resting leaves might be scattered across the nature strip forming a nice pastoral scene. They might even be in a neat pile already. The operator – it’s always a bloke dressed liked a sniper – points the protruding bit at his prey, blasting every one up into the air. Now it’s like a snow dome when you shake it hard. Who knows where the bits will land? Dust is blown into the air too. Small dog turds fly about. It’s a flying carnival of shit.
After lengthy blowing, the leaves are finally mustered into the gutter. Maybe even the neighbour’s gutter if someone’s hired a gardener who’s in a hurry. And there, my friend, they’ll stay (until the next gust of wind) because – and this is my experience – you never see the leaf blower operator STICK THE LEAVES IN THE BIN.
You know it’s time to start worrying when you purchase a gadget and the manufacturer includes decibels in the specifications. The Hearing Health Foundation, in its report, What Are Safe Decibels?, lists sounds over 70 dB as damaging to our hearing. Gas-powered leaf blowers come in at around 110 dB. That’s 30 more than vacuum cleaners and 15 more than a crowing rooster.
Despite its imperfections, the leaf blower is more popular than ever. According to Research and Market’s Leaf Blower Report 2025 – yes, they exist too – “The increasing popularity of landscaping and gardening among homeowners has created a need for easy-to-use, powerful equipment to handle fallen leaves, grass clippings, and debris. Furthermore, as cities expand and more residential developments are built, the need for such equipment continues to rise.” (Note to self: for the sake of our environment, we must learn to be less house proud.)
Even camping sites have been infected. Today every caravaner and his dog take along the leaf blower (occasionally the bread maker too) to blow the bejesus off the roof and slide-out of their caravan, the mat by the door, the picnic table, the outdoor rug, the beach! They even use it to “fan” the campfire. The Camping in The Carolinas Facebook Group won’t hear a word against their LBs. “I blow the dead bugs out of our bug zapper with it,” says one happy camper. “I just used mine to blow all the dirt, rocks and dog hair out of the toy hauler,” says another. Someone else blasts their dog’s face if he’s barking too loudly. One joker adds: “I use it when necessary to dry off my mother-in-law so we don’t have to use three towels.”
The Environmental Protection Authority is surprisingly wishy-washy about this form of noise pollution. Generally, use of leaf blowers (and other noisy power tools) is prohibited before 7am and after 8pm on weekdays and must start an hour later on weekends. It advises: “A council officer may still assess residential noise to be unreasonable even if it’s within the allowed times. They do this if the noise has qualities that make it unreasonable – for example, if it has unnecessarily excessive volume”.
Yes! My neighbour’s leaf blower does have excessive volume. And it is always unreasonable. And I can hear it from inside my house. Oh, thank you EPA for making this exception.
If I can’t change the status quo, at least I can pass on some pearls of wisdom to my son. I’ll sit him down one day and say, son, nothing good ever comes out of something that blows hard and makes a big noise – except perhaps a saxophone.
And here’s an idea. If the leaves on the lawn ever get you down, go buy a rake.
Jo Stubbings is a freelance writer and reviewer.
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