“So, remind me, Kath. What does your hairdresser do for a living again?” My impudent pal is not wrong. The older I get, the more I resemble a vegan creative-dance instructor who fires things in a home-made kiln for a hobby.
In my youth, I fell for all the voodoo magic of hair lotions and mumbo jumbo of facial potions: eye of newt, pureed sloth, the minced nuts of Norwegian flukes … But these days, my beauty regimen basically involves whacking on some sunblock.
Peeking into the crib at a recent christening, I suddenly felt seriously under-groomed. Oh, my! I’d never seen such a beautiful babe. Those rosy cheeks. That cherry-red cupid’s bow pout. Those long lashes. That flawless complexion. But then I took a closer look. Was that blush on the newborn’s cheeks? Did I detect a smear of foundation and mascara on that tiny tot in a cot? “Quick question,” I whispered to my friend, trying not to faint into the font. “Is your granddaughter wearing make-up?”
Sotto voce, she confirmed that her daughter had dabbed on a little foundation to cover milk spots and a bit of blush to create a rosy-cheeked visage for more impressive Instagram shots.
I must have uttered a horrified gasp as she then went on to assure me that more and more parents are opting for a “baby makeover” or “glow-up”. Bronzer, lip gloss and even nail polish are now regularly applied to infants who think their own foot is a fascinating new friend.
“But surely babies are cute enough already?” I exclaimed, flabbergasted. “What with all that gurgling, raspberry blowing and tinkling laughter? I mean, that’s their entire brand.”
When I was a kid, Mum might have spat on the end of a hanky and given my face a quick going over, or maybe flicked a bit of congealed fried egg off my chin.
KATHY LETTE
And yet, at another christening, this time for a baby boy, I was astounded to discover that even he was wearing eye make-up. I don’t know about you, but I just don’t feel right attending a social event where a male baby is wearing more make-up than I am.
Dermatologists, ever the party poopers, report an increase in harmful skin reactions in infants directly related to their glow-up, and I’m sure that when these babies grow up they won’t be thanking their parents for their, um, rash decision.
School photos have become another opportunity for aesthetic optimisation. When I was a kid, Mum might have spat on the end of a hanky and given my face a quick going over, or maybe flicked a bit of congealed fried egg off my chin in preparation for the class snap, but definitely no fake tan or foundation to ensure the photo would look more fetching ’neath a fridge magnet. As a result, I fully expect kindergarten kids to arrive with mood boards and stylists. “Can we contour but keep it playful?” a six-year-old will soon ask, adjusting her ring light.
This vanity insanity is being fuelled by competitive parents vying for “cutest baby” status on social media. Even for newborns, beauty has become one of the most lovely and natural things … that money can buy.
Dermatologists also report that teenagers have started using retinol and other powerful anti-ageing ingredients. These wrinkle-eroding creams, some only available on prescription, are designed to soften the haggard visage of women my age. Who did these over-prescribing quacks train under? Dr Seuss? Such doctors shouldn’t be trusted to put a dressing on a salad.
Meanwhile, real medics warn that these unnecessary treatments are not just irritating youthful skin, they’re also creating body dysmorphia. Despite this, the beauty industry is now expanding its greedy reach from teens all the way down to toddlers.
Beauty regimens that target tots seem nothing short of dystopian. Two years ago, Dior launched a “skincare line for babies”, offering $200 creams. Canadian actor Shay Mitchell is selling baby skincare to her 34.8 million Instagram followers, including facial sheets in animal shapes because, clearly, nothing says “happy childhood” like a three-year-old reclining in a panda face mask.
What’s next? Toddler tattoos and mini manicures? Teeny tongue piercings and tiny trout pouts? Baby botox? Teeth whitening? Or tooth whitening, if only one fang has come through baby’s gums before her close-up.
There’s only one thing gushing from this fountain of youth: money. All I want to see on a kid’s face is a smudge of dirt, a smear of Vegemite and an ear-to-ear grin. That’s what makes a beautiful baby.
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Kathy Lette‘s latest best seller “The Revenge Club” is published by Bloomsbury.Connect via X or email.
