Ultimately, Carver and her former husband decided to nest, sometimes referred to as bird nesting, where children live in the family home full time while the parents rotate in and out. Couples who opt for this arrangement say it provides a buffer for the children during an unsettling time.
That said, there are many financial and logistical considerations, and many experts suggest nesting should be seen as a temporary solution for couples sharing custody of their children.
Understand the budget
For most couples, their home and retirement accounts are their largest assets, said Barbara Shegog, a certified divorce financial analyst and principal at BAS Capital Management. As couples begin to separate their lives, including divvying up finances, they must determine whether they can afford to hold on to that asset in order to nest.
Will they rent a second apartment to share when they’re not on parenting duty? Will the mortgage on the family home still be paid as it had been? Who will pay for repairs? How do you determine who will stock the fridge or mow the lawn?
“This is certainly not an arrangement I recommend for couples who don’t communicate well,” Shegog said. “Starting over is very hard. You need to understand what you can afford and what you can’t before you make any decisions.”
Mitzi Campbell, who started nesting in 2008, was initially worried that she couldn’t afford it, since her husband was the primary earner.
But she did a cost-benefit analysis and decided she could pay half of the rent and utilities on a small two-bedroom cottage near her family home in Newton, New Jersey, that she would share with her former husband during their time off parenting. The former couple spent about US$30,000 ($49,700) a year so their three children could stay in their five-bedroom family home.
“I committed to this budget and felt good about it,” said Campbell, 59.
As the months passed, however, the two found that they weren’t using the cottage as much as they thought they would, as they both spent more time with friends and family members on their weekends off.
“We were now bound to a lease, and I had to ask myself whether this is how I wanted to spend money,” she said.
Weigh the pros and cons
While many couples who nest agree that the arrangement creates time and space to make big decisions when emotions are raw, the second home a parent stays in during their time off is often a downgrade from the family home.
Norm Elrod, who is currently nesting in New York’s Queens borough, said the one-bedroom rental he and his future ex share on their off days is decidedly shabbier than their renovated four-bedroom co-op apartment.
“You can tell the super of the co-op puts in more time cleaning the building,” said Elrod, 53. “The super of the rental? Not so much.”
When couples continue sharing a space, nesting can also offer uncomfortable glimpses into how the other spends their time away. Leftover rubbish, used condoms, rumpled bedsheets, unfamiliar cologne or perfume, stray earrings or extra wine and tumbler glasses in the dish rack can be jarring as partners try to stay in their own lanes.
According to Renee Turner, a New York divorce lawyer, nesting adds another layer of cooperation with a partner you’re trying to separate from.
“You have to iron out a very detailed co-parenting plan,” Turner said. “And you must ask yourself: What are your boundaries? Are you willing to pay for someone to clean the house so you don’t fight about it? There are many things to consider and negotiate.”
But nesting prevents children from hauling their clothes, sports equipment and school supplies between two residences and divorcing couples from fighting over who forgot to pack what.
“When your kids’ lives are running smoothly, so is yours,” Carver said.
Understand the exit plan
Beth Behrendt knows her 11 years of nesting is unusually long. Her former partner outright owns the family’s original home in Fort Wayne, Indiana, so she knows she will likely get none of the proceeds once the house is sold.
What has helped Behrendt, author of Nesting After Divorce: Co-Parenting in the Family Home, feel secure is a provision in her divorce agreement that requires 30-days’ notice when one parent wants to change the agreement.
“It gives you that time to adjust, and talk to friends and lawyers before you come to an agreement,” she said.
And once the home is sold, you can always seek more time. Carver said the buyer of her Brooklyn house agreed to rent it back to the family for a few months so her children could finish out the school year without interruption. Her oldest son, now in college, thanked her for a smooth transition.
“That really meant a lot to me,” Carver said.
Behrendt, 56, knows her time in the family home will soon come to an end, as her youngest of three children is now in high school.
Divorces of the past, where one person fights to get the house, do not have to be a guidepost anymore, she said. “I’m glad that I did it creatively and differently,” she said. “It is surprising to see that there are so many ways to separate.”
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Kaya Laterman
Illustration by: Nicolas Ortega
©2025 THE NEW YORK TIMES
