Michelle Vartan
You are probably familiar with situationships, ghosting, and other relationship terms that have made the leap from social media to mainstream conversations. Another phrase is gaining steam: “placeholder partner” – when one half of a couple considers their person a seat filler until someone better comes along – but somehow forgot to mention it to the individual holding space for the future Mr or Ms Right.
It’s the kind of dynamic you might remember from Friends. Ross dated Emily while clearly still in love with Rachel, but we just didn’t have a name for it yet.
While it’s not unusual to want a relationship just to be in one – whether for companionship, having a consistent plus-one, or because of family pressures – placeholder behaviour is becoming a hot topic on TikTok among fed-up daters who suspect the term may describe why something just seems “off” about their partnership.
Here’s how to tell if you might be a placeholder partner, why you should make sure you aren’t approaching your relationships this way, and why a “good for now” mentality isn’t uncommon in the modern dating pool.
Why placeholder behaviour could be on the rise
It’s not inherently harmful if two people are on the same page about a relationship’s temporary status and both understand an expiration date is likely in the future.
Placeholding is when a person doesn’t come clean about the fact that they don’t really see a future with an individual, despite playing the role of long-term partner in all the obvious ways. They might do this because they’re trying to get over an ex, unable to form a bond because they think they’ll find someone “better”, or because they want to avoid the challenges of being single.
There are probably a number of psychological drivers that can lead someone to “placehold” or be “placeheld,” but the internet and modern dating culture seem to be playing a role. Digital dating triggers the paradox of choice, where the more options you have, the harder it is to commit. “A lot of people feel like they need to be on the apps to meet potential partners, but the experience they have is burnout because of the whole idea that there’s an endless supply of options,” said Marisa Cohen, a relationship scientist and family therapist.
In a 2019 study, researchers in the Netherlands found that people were increasingly likely to reject partners if they were shown more photo options. The researchers drew an online dating parallel to the basic economics of diminishing returns, where each additional option added sequentially produces less value than the one before it. Essentially, the more profiles people saw, the less satisfied they became, creating a rejection mindset.
Dating apps, “constantly make you think perhaps that there is somebody better out there,” said Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago. “It might increase the odds that people are dissatisfied with the person they’re currently with, rather than making themselves right for the person that they’re with.”
Sociologist and online dating expert Jess Carbino said that attachment styles can also sabotage commitment. Attachment theory, first posited by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, is a psychological framework that says a person’s emotional needs in relationships are influenced by how they bonded with caregivers in childhood.
In general, there are four “attachment styles” for adults. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style is thought to crave connection but may also be afraid of abandonment, so they may choose partners who don’t give them the closeness they seem to want, while those with avoidant attachment tendencies equate closeness to loss of self, and may hold partners at arm’s length.
“That may be the person who is more afraid of getting invested in a long-term commitment, for fear of losing their own sense of independence and autonomy,” Carbino said. People with both of these attachment styles may find reasons the relationship isn’t right as emotional stakes rise.
Signs you might be in a placeholder partnership
According to the experts, here are some signs you’re in a placeholder relationship:
- Little talk of the future: The future feels like a forbidden topic. If you mention planning a trip or going as your date to a wedding, they seem uncomfortable or change the subject. Cohen said it may feel like “you’re enjoying the here and now, but we’re not really moving beyond the here and now.”
- Little or no integration with friends and family: Months in, you still haven’t met their friends, their family gatherings don’t include you, and when your own come up, they find a reason not to come.
- A wandering eye: They act in ways that feel like they’re keeping their options quietly open, such as finding opportunities to flirt or engage in conversations that linger a little too long. “If you see them eyeing other people, and not really paying that much attention to you, that’s a pretty good sign,” warned Epley.
- A lack of effort: Once again, they went cold on you for two weeks, but now they are back to warm, so you give them another pass. And you might be ignoring the behaviour or in denial about it. “The self-deception might seem somewhat decreased on the side of the individual who is being placeheld, but at the same time, they’re staying in this relationship, they’re engaging in denial,” Carbino said.
Of course, when it comes to matters of the heart it’s not always straightforward, said Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at Northwestern University. A pace discrepancy may be at play, rather than something nefarious, she said.
“There are lots of times where one person has their foot a bit more on the accelerator and the other has their foot a bit more on the brake,” she said, “and it’s hard for both.” In those cases, the chances of both people arriving at the exact same point of readiness for a long-term commitment are slim, she added.
The experts interviewed for this story agree that if you want to know if you’re a placeholder – and are ready to hear it – you have to ask your partner how they feel about the relationship, then really listen to what they say.
Look for evidence that you’re liked and valued, advised Solomon. These conversations can be nerve-racking, but it’s better than enduring the emotional torture of not knowing.
“A good rule of thumb is if the question doesn’t make your tummy turn a little bit, it probably isn’t a vulnerable enough question,” Solomon said.
What to do if you are treating your partner as a placeholder
In the long run, a placeholder relationship isn’t good for either person because it prevents them from meeting someone else, Epley said. Moreover, it can be especially detrimental for the placer – the one placeholding – because they may miss out on experiencing a fulfilling relationship.
He points out that we tend to think love leads to commitment, but it’s often the other way around. One of the things that psychologists have learnt over decades is that liking and loving often follows commitment, it doesn’t cause commitment, he said. “That’s something we can often get wrong.”
In other words, if someone with a placer behaviour pattern gave commitment a chance it could open up the possibility for deeper connection and the love they’ve been looking for.
Breaking the cycle requires self-awareness and honesty on both sides. “I think both of them have to engage in a reckoning of sorts,” Carbino said.
The Washington Post
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