Charisse Cooke
As a relationship therapist, I’ve heard it all over the years. From the woman who didn’t return her date’s calls after discovering he didn’t know who Debussy was, to the divorcee who preferred to be single rather than spend time with a man who said “must of” instead of “must have”.
Being hypercritical like this has increased significantly in the last decade. Ever-growing numbers of clients arrive at their appointments with anecdotes like these, and then feel sad when they struggle to find a life partner.
We can get the “ick” for many reasons when looking for love but if you’re constantly rejecting potential paramours for minor quirks, there probably is a character flaw at play – and if you look closely, it might well be yours, not theirs. Perfectionism sabotages many modern relationships before they are even off the starting blocks, preventing many people finding their happy ending.
Here’s why it happens, and how to fix it.
Modern dating is turning us all into perfectionists
When it comes to relationships, perfectionism is absolutely a hindrance rather than a help. That’s because, as psychologists know, perfectionists set very high standards and expectations – both for themselves and others – and these expectations are almost impossible to live up to.
We’re living in a judgemental time, with social media and reality dating shows actively encouraging us to be hypercritical of others, while making it look like everyone else’s private lives are more romantic, more idyllic, more special than our own.
I’ll often discover, when I ask the right questions, that clients take pride in being “discerning” – but whether it’s picking holes in someone’s table manners or the way they style their hair, what they’re actually doing is being negative and critical. “Good enough” is never enough, and even when dating seems to be going well for a month or three, perfectionists have a tendency to shut down and dump someone as soon as the honeymoon period is over and the slightest cracks start to show. It’s a death sentence for any fledgling relationship, even ones that could genuinely have gone the distance.
New research published in the journal Psychological Bulletin reports that perfectionism is on the rise. And when it comes to finding love – or being unable to – I believe changes in the way we date over the last 20 years have made the problem worse.
Modern relationships bear little resemblance to those from the 1990s or early Noughties. Back then we would meet people at work, through friends, through social functions, at bars and nightclubs, interact, flirt and get to know them. But the arrival of dating apps created a catalogue-shopping experience for potential partners. People seeking human connection are shown a screenshot of a person and their life, then encouraged to make very quick yes or no decisions about them. This format for finding a partner also creates the impression there are endless “better options” out there.
If someone has a tendency to be a bit “fussy”, this way of finding partners only exacerbates the issue. Dating has become very one-dimensional, and the apps force us to make snap decisions, completely stripped of emotion or human connection. Clients admit they dismiss potential matches for relatively minor shortcomings. Yet in reality, it’s the foibles and flaws – the ones seen as non-negotiable red flags to a perfectionist mind – that make another person lovable.
Perfectionism is a form of self-protection
These days, women are the most independent and empowered that they’ve ever been, and that makes us significantly more discerning when it comes to partner selection, which is a good thing to be celebrated. However, there’s a dark side to this, where we can become unreasonable, perfectionistic or overly critical in partner selection, which is getting in the way of us forming happy, secure, equal partnerships.
Many of the people who come to me for help don’t realise that, in the vulnerable world of dating, perfectionism is actually a self-protection strategy. Unconsciously, rejecting others is often a way of shielding ourselves against the possibility of being rejected.
Instead of having to say, “I can’t get a relationship”, I find people switching the narrative to, “No one’s good enough for me” – and most of the time, they aren’t even aware they’re doing that. But this stops you from achieving intimacy and connection. It’s a distorted way of clawing back control, because putting yourself out there is actually quite scary.
How to break free of perfectionism and find love
Cut back on judgment
Allow yourself to get to know someone over time, so they can show you who they really are. In the initial weeks and months of a relationship, people are still being quite performative – trying to be someone that we think the other person wants them to be. It’s only later on, when everyone relaxes, that we can truly get to know who that person is, so give them a chance to show you.
Meet quickly
Nowadays, people message on dating apps for weeks and decide someone isn’t right before they’ve ever spoken, based on superficial, written exchanges. It’s far better to go for a quick coffee and make that human connection as soon as possible to get to know them as a human being, not a WhatsApp exchange.
Say yes to a second date
Unless something incredibly negative happened on the first date, I encourage my clients to meet at least twice. Chemistry isn’t always immediate, so you should be looking for fun and joy or connection. What matters is that you both come from the same place morally, and share similar goals, and it takes more than one drink to find that out. Perfectionists have a tendency to overthink everything, but often they end up procrastinating rather than risk making the “wrong” decision. Having already committed in your head to meeting someone twice before you even meet once takes the pressure off that initial meeting.
Know your triggers
Be aware of the things that you tend to overfocus on, whether that’s clothing, grammar, the type of bar they choose to meet – and actively try to be less judgemental around that.
Allow people to be a work in progress
There’s an expectation among my clients these days that when you meet someone, they should be a finished product: polished, composed, brilliant. But people are constantly evolving. A strong predictor of relationship happiness and longevity is finding a partner you can grow alongside and build a life with, it’s not finding someone who’s perfect from the outset.
Stop thinking your date’s decisions reflect badly on you
When we get the ick from someone’s clothing, speech or grammar it’s because we think their choices are going to reflect badly on us, because we view our partners as an extension of ourselves. But they are distinct individuals with their own thoughts and lives and minds, and we need to remember that.
Recognise your unrealistic expectations
Perfectionists tend to have a checklist in their head of what’s desirable – or not – in a partner, placing a lot of weight on how successful or accomplished they are. A good test for whether these standards are reasonable expectations of a romantic partner – or your perfectionism stopping you from finding love – is to see if you, or a friend or family member, would meet the same criteria. Don’t throw away a potential match because they can’t tick boxes you and those you love don’t meet.
As told to Amy Packer.
Telegraph UK
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