If you’ve ever found yourself yelling incoherent nonsense mid-argument, there’s a good reason behind it. In those moments of blind rage, all rational thought dissolves as the brain becomes saturated with mind-altering chemicals and energy is depleted from the body.
Dr Faye Begeti, a neurologist and neuroscientist, explains: “When we argue with someone we care about, our emotional brain – the amygdala – becomes activated. Once triggered, it sets off the body’s stress response [the fight-or-flight mode]: adrenaline and cortisol are released, the heart rate increases and blood pressure rises. Normally, our brain releases cortisol every morning to help us feel ready for the day. The problem arises when cortisol remains persistently elevated.”
While we’re in this heightened state of emotion, the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for reasoning and impulse control, also becomes less active. This imbalance can be described as “emotional flooding”. In this state you may feel overwhelmed, and your ability to think logically drops.
Memory is hindered (and dementia risk may be heightened)
“In the long term, with consistent stress, structural changes in the brain can occur – the memory-related areas, such as the hippocampus (located deep in the temporal lobe), can be affected, resulting in memory problems. Memory issues related to chronic stress are something I see often in my neurology clinic,” says Dr Begeti.
“Often when we argue, it’s hard to remember detail, and this is because the hippocampus is compromised,” says Laura Ellera, a neuroscientist and coach. “You might recall your emotions, like anger, during the row, but you can’t evoke exactly what was said or the sequence of events.”
There is also growing evidence that ongoing stress and raised cortisol, possibly brought on by constant and repeated arguing, could increase your chances of developing dementia. This is a complex topic, with various contributing risk factors, but one study suggests: “Elevated cortisol levels may exert detrimental effects on cognition and contribute to AD [Alzheimer’s disease] pathology.”
“There are suggestions that [repeated] stress pushes the body to make savings in the brain to rebalance the overall energy levels, which could lead to vital brain cells being compromised,” says Ellera.
The heart is put under strain
Lina Mookerjee, a senior accredited British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy psychotherapist, describes the experience of reactive arguing as being “like a car, revving in neutral”. The body is being flooded with hot, intense energy but you may not be achieving anything or getting anywhere.
“In our society, stress has become normalised,” she believes. “We resort to it very quickly, and increased stress makes us more prone to getting caught up in a confrontation. But emotional overload can push us towards social withdrawal, an impaired immune system, increased alcohol use, overeating and lack of sleep – all damaging factors for heart health.”
Ruth Goss, a senior cardiac nurse at the British Heart Foundation, agrees: “Many of us will turn to unhealthy habits to help us to cope in times of stress. In the moment, these might bring relief and temporarily reduce stress, but if you do too much of them in the long run, they can lead to high cholesterol, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. Over time, high blood pressure can damage your heart, major organs and arteries, increasing your risk of a heart attack or stroke.
It’s also known that when cortisol is increased, it can also lead to elevations in blood sugar and changes in metabolism and cardiovascular risk. But Professor Maralyn Druce, a consultant endocrinologist at OneWelbeck, reassures: “There is no need to fear every ‘spike’ in cortisol. When you engage in a confrontation or argument, your body might trigger a brief cortisol surge, but this also serves to sharpen your focus and provide the energy needed for a difficult interaction.”
Your immune system is compromised
Having a row with someone we love not only hurts emotionally, it sends messages to the body, exacerbating anxiety levels and compromising our immune system.
“Our body and brain are not meant to be in this heightened state for long periods of time,” says Ellera. “When the body is repeatedly pushed into fight-or-flight mode, the liver releases glucose into the bloodstream, muscles become tense, and breathing increases to take more oxygen into the lungs. When this becomes a chronic way of being, intense anxiety can lead to a weakened immune system, as hormones like cortisol and adrenalin eventually suppress immune cell production, as well as sleep disruption, digestive problems, and even certain cancers. When our immune system is suppressed, we have less ability to deal with viruses and bacteria, and healing becomes slower.”
Four ways to defuse tension
Recognise that anger is short lived
Moving quickly towards conflict can be addictive. It provides temporary relief, because it gives you the chance to indulge your grievances, but when you are arguing, you disconnect with empathy and logic. So it is crucial to become aware of the triggers that lead you into an argument before it all kicks off. That means being conscious of your own physical reaction as the stress mounts (are your palms sweating or has your heartbeat increased?) and the emotional hooks that lure you into a verbal dispute.
Dr Galena Rhoades, a psychologist at the University of Denver and a co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage, says: “On a scale of one to 10, people start getting into the fight-or-flight mode as low as a two or three. We need to step back and take time out, at least 30 minutes. It’s not walking away; you can return to it when you’re not blaming each other.”
Be respectful and don’t be too proud to say sorry
Think carefully about how you talk to each other; if it becomes a slanging match, no one will benefit. Mookerjee suggests: “Maybe have some ground rules up front, invite each other to speak and don’t interrupt. Try to avoid blame and be accountable for your input.
“Step out of the emotion and get into the facts. If there is a disagreement, avoid the ‘shaming and blaming pathway’ and instead focus on what the actual dispute is about. A common point of contention is the washing-up. You’ve noticed they are not bothering to do it, so invite their thoughts on the situation. Also, you can share how their lack of initiative is impacting you by saying, ‘I feel… disrespected/as if you don’t care,’ and avoid blaming them by using, ‘You make me feel…’ And always be prepared to apologise or accept where you’ve gone wrong: it shows the other person that you are really trying to make things right.”
Have a debrief conversation
After some time has passed and you’re both back on an even keel, calmly talk about the argument, and why it happened and how you felt. This will help you to understand fully your feelings post argument, and whether things have improved and what can be done better. One method is to use the “speaker-listener” technique, where one person speaks, keeping statements brief, and then the other paraphrases what was said, without interrupting.
Finish with a ‘palate cleanser’
This is a positive full stop after an argument; a way of cleansing the situation. And it acts as a bonding process to bring you together in a mutually respectful way. It might simply be a kiss or a cuddle, perhaps sex, or having dinner together or holding hands while out walking. Mookerjee says: “This shows the other person that not only do you care and respect them as an individual, you also value your relationship. Repair, reparation and humility are ways we can help build healthy, mature and secure alliances in our lives.” And bring a stop to all the constant arguing – for everyone’s benefit.
