Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions on workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: fixating on unkind words, a shrinking job description and ghosting a former employer.
A colleague recently attended a 10-year reunion for a company where we both once worked. Apparently, a group at the event were bad-mouthing and belittling some people who had not attended, including me. Apparently, the group unanimously agreed I was “forgettable”. I wish now I hadn’t pestered my colleague to tell me what was said about me because the humiliation will linger. Why is it we forget so many good things that have happened, yet remember every unkind word ever said to – or about – us, forever?
Oh, I feel your pain. And I am more than a little cranky that your colleague was thoughtless enough to pass this anecdote on. Totally unnecessary.
The reason you can’t let this go is that our brains are wired to prioritise bad news over good. We are always on the lookout for threats. Unkind comments like this trigger the same systems designed to keep us alert to danger, while positive feedback is processed more lightly and fades faster.
It’s also worth being honest about the word itself. “Forgettable” hurts because it presses on a universal fear: that we mattered less than we thought. But a drunken consensus at a reunion is not an objective measure of a life, a career or a person. I bet if you asked any of these people again what was said, they probably could not even recall.
The lesson here is that you are human and we are all fragile. Next time, protect yourself by not asking for second-hand news like this, and I would be wary of a colleague who is willing to share such a casually cruel remark. And when the word resurfaces – as it will – remind yourself of this: people who are truly forgettable are rarely talked about at all.
Since the introduction of a new senior position in my department, I’ve noticed that several responsibilities I previously handled have shifted to that role. As a result, I feel my position has been sidestepped, and the scope of responsibility and autonomy I once had has been reduced. I’d like to raise these concerns with my supervisor, but I’m hesitant because I’m worried it might be interpreted negatively or unintentionally draw attention to my role as being diminished, which makes me concerned about the risk of redundancy. What should I do?
Your hesitation is understandable – but staying silent also carries risk.
When responsibilities drift without explanation, roles can quietly shrink in ways that later become difficult to reverse. The key is to raise this early and constructively, before it hardens into a new normal.
The most effective approach is to focus on role clarity. Base the conversation around specific tasks and the value you provide: ask how your responsibilities should evolve now that the new position exists, what success in your role looks like going forward, and where you’re expected to add the most value. This keeps the discussion forward-looking rather than coming off as defensive.
Be aware that language in these conversations is important. I would avoid using terms like “sidelined” or “diminished”; instead, talk about job scope, decision-making and impact.
Having this kind of mature, professional discussion does not make you redundant. If anything, saying nothing is the greater danger. Being proactive to ensure your role is clearly defined, purposeful and understood is something managers generally love.
I just got made redundant from a small organisation. I was bored, so I was happy to leave. However, since I’ve left, my former bosses have invited me out on a number of occasions. I’ve just ignored them in the hope they’ll go away. How do I politely say “I’ve moved on” and why do you think they keep contacting me in the first place?
This is one of those situations where politeness and emotional reality are totally out of sync.
From your side, the relationship ended when the job did, and that’s entirely reasonable. Being friendly at work doesn’t automatically translate into a post-employment social life, particularly when the separation involved redundancy. It is totally normal to want to move on.
As for why they keep reaching out, maybe they feel guilty, and these invitations might be a way of easing their own discomfort. Habit is another. In small organisations, work and social lines blur, and some people struggle to recognise when the context has changed.
You don’t need to ghost them forever. A simple, calm message is response is enough: “Thanks for the invite – I’m focusing on my next chapter at the moment, but I wish you well.” No justification required.
To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.
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Dr Kirstin Ferguson AM is the author of Blindspotting: How to See What Others Miss and Head & Heart: The Art of Modern Leadership. Kirstin is ranked in the world’s Thinkers50 list and holds a PhD in leadership and culture. www.kirstinferguson.com.Connect via X, Facebook or email.
