In fact, over time, Knudtson said, the dynamic started to shift in her relationship. Her boyfriend began monitoring her texts and calls, she said. He challenged her when she talked to other friends. He made her feel as if she had to do what he said or she’d lose him and end up alone.
Too much, too soon
The term “love bombing” dates back to the 1970s, when the tactic was used by the Unification Church, a South Korean religious movement that critics and former members have described as a cult. Church members would often shower potential recruits with warmth and praise to get them to join.
Today, the phrase is commonly used to describe over-the-top affection and attention at the beginning of a romantic relationship. In casual parlance, daters may talk about love bombing as merely an “ick” – coming on too strong – or as a preamble to ghosting. But clinicians say that it can be a dangerous red flag.
There are no clear statistics on how closely love bombing is linked to abuse, said Chitra Raghavan, a psychologist at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice who studies power dynamics in intimate partner abuse. However, Raghavan said, “I’ve noticed it in almost every domestic violence case I’ve had, that there was a period of love bombing.”
Love bombing often takes the form of excessive compliments, implying that the love bomber is the only person who can see how wonderful the other person is, Raghavan said.
The person might say something like, “‘You are really incredible, and no one has seen how incredible you are, but I am seeing it,’” Raghavan said. “It suggests a uniqueness that has not been seen by anybody else but the love bomber.”
These compliments often play to recipients’ deepest vulnerabilities. If people worry they aren’t attractive, a love bomber might tell them how beautiful they are. If they feel they aren’t smart enough, the compliments may flatter their intelligence.
A love bomber also tends to contact a new partner incessantly. “They want to see you every day, they show up at work, they call, they text, they send you jokes,” Raghavan said.
Love bombers may also imply that they are looking for long-term commitment. They might say, “‘I can already see the house we’re going to live in,’” Durvasula said. “‘What should we name our kids?’”
When the spell breaks
Love bombers’ early and intense attention serves to overwhelm people, so that they don’t think to question why things are moving so fast or how they actually feel, Raghavan explained. It lures people in “before they can say, ‘Wait, wait this doesn’t seem right’”, she said.
Not everyone who is a love bomber necessarily becomes abusive, and researchers are not sure whether love bombers engage in these behaviours with the clear intent of trapping and, later, abusing their partners. “This is a million-dollar question,” Durvasula said. It’s really difficult, she said, to tease out motivation and intent.
Complicating things further, abusers don’t usually think of themselves as abusers, Raghavan added. They think of themselves primarily as people “whom the world doesn’t understand”, Raghavan said.
Love bombers often, but not always, have narcissist traits, said Amy Brunell, a psychologist at Ohio State University, which can include displaying behaviours that indicate entitlement.
They often test the other person’s commitment – for example, they may stop texting or calling for a few days, hoping to provoke panic and elicit declarations of affection, Brunell said. They might also act in a mean way and then, later, apologise profusely.
The love bomber might act as if they are directly threatened by the other person’s friendships or hobbies, as Knudtson described. Her boyfriend, she said, would complain when she talked to other friends, and be jealous.
“There’s a triangulation – you choose me or you choose them,” Durvasula said. If the person refuses to step back from friendships or interests, she added, “the pushback is met with anger”.
Trust your unease
It can be difficult to recognise love bombing when it is happening, Durvasula said.
“This is the big one of the challenges: ‘Am I being love bombed, or is this just somebody who’s really interested in me?’” she said.
The distinction can be especially difficult because of what we are often taught to expect from relationships, Durvasula said. Early courtship is supposed to be intense. Love bombing also “really plays on our human need for attachment, our human need for love, our human desire to be connected to other people”, she said.
Because love bombing is difficult to detect, people should not be hard on themselves if they don’t recognise it when it happens, Durvasula said.
Still, she advised, be wary of partners who resent your boundaries, personal interests or friendships or who pressure you to prove your loyalty or commitment.
Ending a relationship with a love bomber can be difficult, as love bombers often retaliate, Durvasula said. There may be angry texts, name-calling and even stalking. To escape her boyfriend’s pursuit of her, Knudtson said, she eventually had to move to another state.
If there is a concern about safety, experts said, domestic violence organisations can help.
Ultimately, it’s important to trust your gut early on in relationships, Brunell said.
“If it feels like it’s too much,” she added, “it probably is.”
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Melinda Wenner Moyer
Illustration by: Laura Edelbacher
©2026 THE NEW YORK TIMES
