– Frustrated

Frustrated: Devil’s advocate here, how different would things look if you were a single parent? Yes, you might be losing the part-time income, but you’d also be ditching the mental and emotional labour of directing him to do household chores like a child. You’re already doing the bulk of the domestic labour and parenting, while also modelling for your daughter not just a one-sided relationship dynamic, but also seething resentment and “repressed anger”, so … how’s that scale looking right now?

I don’t mean to be glib – I know there’s a lot of factors at play, or this decision wouldn’t be so hard. (And you should talk to a lawyer before making any decisions, especially with child custody potentially involved.) Loving someone with mental illness or conditions like ADHD can be really, really tough. Trying to sort out whether shortcomings are a person’s character flaw or something that’s out of their hands by virtue of how their brain works is maddeningly difficult, sometimes unknowable. You’re holding out for him to one day become the parent and partner you wish he’d be, you know he could be if only he’d just … X, Y, Z.

People can’t usually fundamentally change who they are. They can work to be the best versions of themselves, but only if they want to.

His having PTSD, ADHD and possible anxiety/depression (not a fan of assuming a diagnosis, but I’ll run with your medical expertise here) is a fixed constant. Whether and how he seeks treatment, though, is wholly up to him. (This is assuming there aren’t any systemic or financial humps keeping him from getting treatment; I know they can be many and burdensome.) When he abruptly quits his medication, that’s an active choice rejecting something meant to help him and, by extension, you. Exploring other management options, such as various therapies, or productivity tools for the ADHD, would be another way for him to better show up as a partner and co-parent. Is he pursuing those? Since you don’t mention them, I’m going to guess not.

You should explicitly lay out what you need to feel supported at home, if you haven’t already: “Hey, I am struggling, and I need more help. Let’s talk about ways we can work on this.” This is not an ultimatum. Rather, it’s making clear that your needs are as important as his and opening a dialogue for solutions. Not impulsively going off meds, for starters. Then seeing if he follows through and things get easier for you.

To be clear, even if he were doing everything in his power to manage his conditions, part-time work might be all he could manage right now. You pushing him to work more hours or get a second job doesn’t flip a switch that suddenly gives him more capacity for navigating the workplace.

Does it scare or worry you if part-time income is all he’s able to provide? If you might always have to shoulder the brunt of the domestic chores? Perpetually be on duty as primary parent? If what you’re describing in your letter is all he can or will give you – if he does his good-faith best to be a better partner and it’s still not enough – can you envision the next 40 years of your life with him? Especially if this is already taking a toll on your health and you have a child depending on you?

I’m sorry to say your first long-term relationship is teaching you one of the hardest lessons: love is not always enough. We can love a person and wish them the best, but at the end of the day, they’re just not the companion we need. The light to hold on to is that your time together has given you a treasure – your daughter – and the knowledge that you have the strength to do hard things. Even when they break your heart.