– Kiddo

Kiddo: I think this might be the only time I ever consider recommending ghosting because the emotional violence you’re ready to inflict would be worse.

Going silent on someone with no explanation generally is cruel and immature. But what you’re describing is the emotional equivalent of walking up to someone, sucker-punching them and then leaving. By all indications from your letter, this woman has no idea you’ve had these pent-up feelings for 20-some years and thinks she’s just reconnecting with an old friend, right?

The mature thing here would be to tell her some version of, “Hey, thanks for reaching out, but I’m not up for catching up.” But ask yourself: Are you capable of pulling this off? Because you seem eager to hurt this woman. It’s not enough to let her think we’ve just drifted apart, you say. I need her to know I think she’s a piece of crap.

Tangentially, I find the timing of your ill will toward her very interesting. Only after her husband started the divorce process did you start to tally her in-your-opinion lesser qualities (“opinionated” – heaven forbid!) and ways she did you wrong. It sounds like you blame her for the breakup of their marriage; do you resent the way that changed your couples’ friendship? It can be hard to swallow when long-term friendships go off the rails. But I think you’re lobbing blame grenades at an unfair target. (“These were likely the same things that the husband did not like” – really?) Also, a dissolving marriage is not exactly known to bring out people’s best qualities. For the sake of your prior years of friendship, it might’ve been nice to extend a little grace when you knew she was going through a hard time.

You’re sending further fire her way because she “made me feel guilty” over Christmas cards and birthday wishes. If you didn’t want to keep responding, you could’ve just … not. Any guilt felt there was your own doing, not future ammo.

As I tell my 2- and 5-year-old, we can’t help how we feel, but we don’t get to take it out on other people. Do yourself and this woman a favour and stay away from her. If you can’t be civil, you have nothing constructive to bring to this interaction. (Except that as you’re laying into her for being bossy two decades ago, she’ll get to see exactly who you have been this whole time.) For all the ways she might’ve hurt your feelings 20-plus years ago, Elsa that s*** and let it go. And when you’re ready to work on your social and emotional skills, Kiddo, I can recommend some excellent toddler books.