Are they “the one”? It’s an age-old question we’ve all asked at some point, dating back to the Greek symposium and through to Nora Ephron movies.
Wondering about you and your partner’s compatibility is par for the relationship course, but if you find yourself constantly questioning whether you are with the right person, there could be something deeper going on.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can latch onto any theme in someone’s life, including intrusive or unwanted thoughts about a relationship, says Celin Gelgec, a clinical psychologist and director at Melbourne Wellbeing Group.
Gelgec says she and her colleagues aren’t sure if it’s because of an increase in chatter online, but they have seen an increase in clients wanting to discuss relationship OCD (ROCD).
Here’s how you can tell if you might be experiencing ROCD, how to manage the symptoms for yourself or your partner and why it could be a good idea to rethink the idea of soulmates.
What is relationship OCD?
ROCD is a subtype of OCD – it is not a diagnosis but a presentation of the disorder.
People with OCD will experience intense, intrusive thoughts around any topic, resulting in the person doing internal (counting, praying, repeating words) or observable (washing, checking, reassurance seeking) compulsions.
ROCD can refer to any compulsive behaviours surrounding someone’s relationship. However, the term has gained traction on social media as an all-encompassing way to describe distressing thoughts about a relationship. More specifically, whether you love your partner enough or are constantly wondering if they are right for you.
Having doubts about a relationship is normal, Gelgec says, but ROCD could be sabotaging an otherwise happy relationship.
“Someone might have unwanted intrusive thoughts around, do I love this person? Is this the right person for me? … Do I love them? Is this what I want in a partner?” Gelgec says.
More often than not, the doubt surrounding the relationship is inconsistent with reality.
“They know that they want to be in a relationship, and then they start feeling really uncomfortable. They might engage in compulsions like asking their partner for reassurance, like, do you love me? Are you sure?”
Gelgec says ROCD behaviours can also look like:
- Constantly asking your partner if they love you or want to remain in the relationship.
- Talking to friends for reassurance and to normalise the situation.
- Body scanning or mentally checking that they are attracted to their partner when being intimate.
- Outsourcing reassurance to social media, googling or asking AI chatbots if their thoughts are normal.
- Comparing your partner to past relationships.
- Avoiding triggering content like romantic songs or movies.
What to do if you or your partner is experiencing ROCD
Gelgec says that partners of those suffering from ROCD will want to be accommodating and reassure the partner, but this can backfire and make the situation worse.
If your partner is coming to you asking for reassurance, the best thing to do is to listen and validate.
“Try saying, ‘This sounds really rough, I can see that you’re feeling doubtful, but I know if I answer these questions, it’s just going to make things a lot worse,’” says Gelgec.
If you are on the other side of the equation and engaging in compulsive behaviours, Gelgec says knowledge is power.
“If someone’s reading this and it’s resonating with them, one of the first things to do is have a read up on OCD and ROCD.”
She also recommends seeking support through exposure and response prevention therapy. “[This therapy] teaches people to identify their triggers, learn ways to regulate their distress without relying on rituals and compulsions to do so. So we’re really taking away the power from OCD.”
The other advice is to embrace uncertainty, and accept that you may never know if this partner is “the one”.
“Whether it’s a disorder or not, just being able to recognise it and say, I see it, I’m sitting with it. I’m not fighting against it.
“It’s going to feel really uncomfortable and messy and gross. But the more we do that, what happens is we build tolerance to it. And as our tolerance builds, then our life expands around it.”
Who is most likely to be affected by ROCD?
ROCD and general relationship worries look similar, and questioning whether your love is written in the stars is normal.
Elisabeth Shaw, psychologist and chief executive of Relationships Australia, says that doubt in a relationship usually stems from three broad categories.
- Someone who has a history of not trusting their own judgment and second-guessing themselves.
- Someone who has had a history of disappointing relationships, who is reluctant to jump back in again.
- Someone who has some intuition that something isn’t right and they are talking themselves into the relationship.
While Shaw has clients adamant they found their true love, she says pop culture has trained us to look for a soulmate.
“A relationship which is good enough for now should be more what we can expect, that people are going to have a series of significant relationships across the lifespan,” says Shaw.
She says that we can ask too much of our partner and can fall into the trap of wanting a relationship to make us “whole”.
“We are always caught in thinking about the other, and even when you’re preparing to look for a partner, you’re often commonly asked, ‘What are you looking for? Have you developed a list of things you want.’
“We’re often caught checking and double-checking the other person, and every time we do that, we’re missing a big part of the equation, which is how we’re travelling. Because we get the best out of a partner when we’re at our best ourselves.”
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Abby Seaman is a digital producer and lifestyle writer at The Sydney Morning HeraldConnect via email.
