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Controlling behaviour can show up in subtle ways that feel exciting or flattering at the beginning of a relationship. A partner might want to see you all the time, for example, talk constantly and hang out exclusively with you. Photo / 123RF
The qualities that draw you to someone can also make harmful patterns hard to see.
Getting into a relationship is easy. Getting out can be harder. That’s because the very qualities that initially drew us to someone – like charm, attentiveness or apparent vulnerability – might make it difficult to
leave when we should.
This is especially true when we fall in love with someone who exhibits what psychologists call the “dark triad”, a cluster of personality traits that includes narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism – the tendency to manipulate and deceive other people for personal gain. These traits are characterised by self-centeredness, superficial charm, a lack of empathy and a willingness to exploit others.
Why are the warning signs easy to miss?
People with these harmful traits are often masters of masking them with convincing displays of sincerity. Think of Villanelle, the charismatic assassin in the Killing Eve novels and TV series, whose playfulness, vulnerability and apparent warmth make her strangely irresistible, even as we watch her manipulate and murder without remorse. Or Tom Ripley in The Talented Mr Ripley, whose charm and sensitivity conceal a chilling capacity for deception and violence.
What makes both characters so compelling is their ability to make people feel deeply understood and valued, even as they exploit those feelings for their own purposes. Their greatest talent may be convincing others that their concern is genuine.
And this isn’t just the stuff of fiction. In one 2015 study, researchers found that those with psychopathic traits were especially convincing when feigning fear or remorse.
What does this manipulation look like in real life?
Controlling behaviour can also show up in less dramatic ways – sometimes in someone who doesn’t seem, at least initially, to have so many problematic personality traits.
A partner might want to see you all the time, talk constantly and hang out exclusively with you. In the beginning, that can feel seductive and exciting. “Wow! They really, really like me!”
However, what happens when you don’t want to spend as much time with them? While some degree of anxiety or insecurity can be expected when one person sets a boundary, like wanting more time apart, the important question is how the other partner responds to those feelings.
For example, reacting by shaming, rejecting or threatening you is unacceptable. If you’re early in a romance, it’s important to set limits clearly and firmly. A reasonable person will be open to modifying their behaviour, changing their communication and accepting that you may want a different level of closeness than they do.
Here are some other warning signs of controlling behaviour:
- Monitoring your activities: Checking your phone, reading your text messages, tracking your location, or demanding to know where you are and whom you’re with.
- Isolating you from family and friends: Discouraging relationships with people close to you, criticising your loved ones or making spending time with them so unpleasant that you gradually end your relationships with them.
- Jealousy and possessiveness: Becoming suspicious of innocent interactions, accusing you of flirting, or treating your relationships with others as threats.
- Emotional manipulation and criticism: Consistently sulking, withdrawing affection, throwing tantrums or repeatedly criticising you in ways that undermine your confidence.
How to build healthier relationships
Know your patterns
If you have a history of mistaking controlling partners for loving ones, consider working with a therapist to understand what draws you to those relationships and what may make the warning signs hard to recognise. Familiarity can feel like chemistry, even when what feels familiar isn’t good for you.
Be clear about your needs
Not everyone who behaves in a controlling manner is incapable of change. Sometimes the behaviour stems from insecurity or attachment anxiety rather than a deliberate need to dominate. If you suspect that’s the case, communicate your limits clearly and firmly if you feel safe doing so. But remember that understanding someone’s insecurity doesn’t obligate you to accommodate their controlling behaviour.
Seek couples therapy
If you’ve tried setting boundaries but the conflicts continue, consider couples therapy if you still think the relationship has promise. A good couples therapist can help both of you identify destructive patterns, communicate more effectively and build a relationship that better reflects your needs and ideals. One important caveat: if you’re being threatened, intimidated or abused, seek individual support to help you stay safe and plan your next steps rather than trying therapy.
Take your feelings seriously
No romantic relationship should require you to endure humiliation, intimidation, threats or other forms of abuse. If you’re constantly monitoring your words, abandoning your needs or feeling frightened, don’t dismiss those feelings. Keep in mind that someone who is abusively controlling may escalate their behaviour if they suspect that you’re starting to set limits or exiting the relationship.
If you’re concerned about their reaction, seek support from trusted people or a domestic violence professional to make a plan for leaving safely rather than confronting them alone.
Ultimately, what matters isn’t just someone’s profession of love, it’s whether you feel safe enough in the relationship to be fully yourself – to express your opinions, make your own choices and set boundaries – without feeling ruled by their anger, disapproval or rejection. Anything less is just a form of captivity.
How to get help
If you’re in danger now:
• Phone 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.
• Run outside and head for where there are other people. Scream for help so your neighbours can hear you.
• Take the children with you. Don’t stop to get anything else.
Where to go for help:
• Women’s Refuge: Crisis line – 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 (available 24/7)
• Shine: Helpline – 0508 744 633 (available 24/7)
• It’s Not Ok: Family violence information line – 0800 456 450
• Shakti: Specialist services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children. Crisis line – 0800 742 584 (available 24/7)
For information on family violence:
• Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga: National Network of Family Violence Services
• White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men’s violence towards women.
How to hide your visit: If you are reading this information on the Herald website and you’re worried that someone using the same computer will find out what you’ve been looking at, you can follow the steps at the link here to hide your visit. Each of the websites above also has a section that outlines this process.
If you are being abused, remember it’s not your fault. Violence is never okay.
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