Look, I get it. Nobody wants baddies swanning unchecked across borders. Security matters. But requiring people to hand over their digital past feels not just invasive but wildly optimistic about how stupid villains are.

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I’m not convinced too many criminal masterminds post nefarious plans via TikTok reels or that extremist groups work by pinning mood boards on Pinterest, although I’d be interested in seeing them.

A terrific Insta post this week from an account called shebangwoman got more than 200,000 likes for showing the woman thinking about what hackers demanding $20,000 not to leak the photos on her phone would find.

Her photos? Dogs. Snaps of random ingredients. Car park signs. More dogs. More ingredients. More car park signs. So fabulous and so true.

I feel that’s all of us with this new proposal. The border patrol algorithm/goons would spend forever combing shots of Chadstone, groodles and midweek pasta recipes that have never been made.

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Imagine being grilled by a bloke scrolling your feed: “Ma’am, explain this 2021 photo where you’re wearing knickerbockers and holding a cocktail bigger than your head.” “Why did you post 16 perimenopause memes in one month?” “What is it with you and pashing in pools?”

It’s a massive time-waster. And it’s a fishing expedition that hands huge power to whomever or whatever is interpreting the “red flags” of ordinary people’s online mundanity.

The part that both delights me and puts a dampener on my lovely van holiday is that my husband is Nostradamus-adjacent. He was right.

Nothing is clear. Do they tell you beforehand if they don’t like the cut of your social jib? Or do they keep you hanging, then on landing at LAX, frog-march you into a basement to justify a post about coriander?

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This uncertainty is why I’m hesitating now. The van’s waiting, Gav’s mapped out a route, but I’m wondering if the shots of Chris mixing our homemade mozzie spray in a bucket in the kitchen might set off alarms.

Because everyone knows border control is not where you want suspense.

It’s a strange old time when a country that once symbolised freedom and the open road wants to poke through your posts.

I’d still love to go back to the US one day. But next May? Nah. I’m not risking the holiday being derailed because my 2021 Twitter scrap with a random about Die Hard being a Christmas movie is subversive.

Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media.

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