It seems every celebrity and their dog was at Hollywood’s royal wedding at the weekend: Taylor Swift’s gargantuan Madison Square Garden nuptials to Travis Kelce, which boasted a reported thousand-strong guest list spanning everyone from Hugh Jackman to Jennifer Lopez.
But it appears the 36-year-old still has bad blood with one high-profile friend. Instead of attending the event, Blake Lively was spotted in upstate New York with husband Ryan Reynolds (granted, it’s not known whether Swift extended an invitation).
Even for those of us who aren’t international superstars, crafting a wedding guest list is a veritable minefield of social faux pas. Does everyone get a plus one? What about kids? Is it common courtesy to invite a former friend?
The Gossip Girl actor and Reputation singer have shared a decade-long close friendship – so close that Swift is a godparent to Lively’s children.
But the relationship soured when Swift was dragged into Lively’s bitter trial with actor Justin Baldoni last year, concerning allegations around their work on the film It Ends With Us.
Clinical psychologist Phoebe Rogers finds weddings can carry deep emotional charge, particularly when it comes to invitations.
“It’s often about people-pleasing and making everyone happy,” she says.
Rogers says this applies to couples’ friends but also relatives – particularly for those from non-Western backgrounds, or when a third party is covering the cost of the wedding.
While guilt can be involved, Rogers encourages couples to remember what’s important.
“Really think about you and your partner: it’s your day. They’re memories you’ll want to have for a lifetime.
“Couples also often struggle to navigate boundaries with extended family, in-laws, parents. But you want to start [those conversations] as soon as possible and be able to come at it from the same angle,” she adds.
“I encourage people not to over-justify or explain their decision. Their decision is their decision.”
Amy Parfett, co-founder of digital wedding platform Wedshed, finds honing a guest list can be the first hurdle for friendships – and between couples themselves.
But generally speaking, she thinks etiquette is to establish blanket rules around invitations: “For example, you can’t have certain cousins allowed to invite their children, but certain cousins aren’t.”
Unlike Swift, most couples are opting for smaller weddings – due to budget constraints and as a byproduct of pandemic-era restrictions – which naturally removes some of the pressure, says Parfett.
“It makes things a lot simpler to actually cut out entire groups of people on the basis of an intimate day and keeping things tight,” she says.
“Often we see couples do a bigger engagement party instead where they can actually have that celebration with people.”
As for whether to invite a former friend, it depends, says Rogers.
“Is this a person you can repair with? And repair is a two-way conversation. So if there’s empathy and compassion on both sides, then I think [an invite] is probably worthwhile.”
If possible, Rogers says it might be worth initiating the repair before the wedding.
“Only if feasible. There’s so much stress and pressure on that day anyway. But maybe you start, and then it’s ongoing and unfolding, but have the talk so you have enough of an understanding.”
Then there’s the minefield of invitees who might have fractured relationships between themselves – Swift’s guest list brought together a web of former friends and exes, including music producer Jack Antonoff and Famesick writer Lena Dunham.
Rogers says it’s ultimately about trusting those you’ve invited not to overshadow your big day.
“People are adults and don’t want to feel like a burden on your day,” she says.
“But have some other friends or relatives to keep an eye out, and be wise with your seating plan.”
Parfett points out that “a lot of the time the couple kind of intrinsically side with whoever the first friend was in the relationship, and there’s a loyalty”.
“But sometimes it’s a little more complicated, [for example] when it comes to parents that have separated and the relationship dynamic isn’t good, the advice I’ve always given is to have a conversation beforehand and quite bluntly asking them to keep the drama at bay.”
Equally, weddings can be a place to repair relationships, says Parfett.
“Plenty of couples use the day to extend an olive branch to someone they’ve drifted from,” she says.
“Given it’s a joy-first setting, nine out of 10 times the drama they may have been stressing about overtaking their day never actually manifests and things go smoothly. Plus, so many loving words and personal history is said at weddings that it’s often a reminder of why they were close in the first place.”
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