For mid-lifers, friendships can become especially complicated and hard to maintain in a healthy and fulfilling way. Bonds made with people first met at university, in first jobs, at the school gate or through your children are woven into decades of shared history, and they can span marriage, divorces, relocations and empty nests. Walking away if you need to can feel hard, but sometimes it is necessary.
So in the spirit of applying the same standards we (ideally) hold ourselves to in our romantic relationships, here are the friendship red flags we should all learn to spot and stop excusing.
The friend who disappears when they are in a relationship
Shall we talk about the friend you used to hang out with regularly, but who got into a romantic relationship? Perhaps you haven’t seen them for over a year. That happened to me, and then I discovered on social media the concept of “placeholders” in friendships. A placeholder friendship is the term for a dispensable friend, kept around to fill out a social calendar or pass the time with – until the other person reaches a life milestone, such as having kids or buying a new house.
In the context of people feeling lonely in mid-life, this kind of sidelining can deepen an already fragile sense of connection. Seventy-one per cent of women say they feel lonely or isolated at times, including 10% who feel this way often.
According to a 2026 Loneliness Study commissioned by living platform COHO, 51% of people in Britain are lonely at least once a week, with one in five too ashamed or embarrassed to admit their struggles. Even so, clinging on to unhealthy placeholder friendships is unlikely to boost self-esteem long term.
Vann Vogstad, CEO of COHO, advises taking a direct approach to fair-weather friends. “Your best bet is just to be honest with your friend. Telling someone you miss them tends to land a lot better than waiting around and getting more frustrated.”
The friend who won’t suggest an alternative day
For anyone juggling midlife commitments – ageing parents, teenagers’ exams and demanding jobs – the calendar squeeze is already stressful. Hence why it can feel particularly offensive when a friend types, “Can’t do that day”, without suggesting an alternative one. “When someone keeps saying they can’t make a plan but never offers you another time, it’s usually avoidance,” says Vogstad.
Whether that’s because they’re pulling back from the friendship or just don’t know how to say they’re not feeling it, the effect is the same. “Once or twice is fine, life gets in the way. But if it keeps happening with no alternative ever offered, that’s telling you something and likely to be a subtle form of distancing or passive rejection.”
All true, but Worthy cautions against mind-reading and advises to pay attention to effort. “Rather than speculate about motive, attune to whether you’re treated with respect and consideration. How much accountability do they take? And how much effort do they make to reschedule?”
In other words, try putting yourself into the other person’s shoes before leaping to a conclusion. Rather than working yourself up into a froth, if you really value a relationship, make a conscious effort to take a break from messaging for a few weeks before trying to initiate a meet-up.
As counter-intuitive as it seems in 2026, it can be easier to settle on a mutually agreeable date if you abandon the back and forth of messaging and actually pick up the phone.
The friend who meets to vent, moan and gossip about their own lives
Emotional bandwidth is limited when many of us are struggling with work pressure and family responsibilities. Listening to someone constantly venting about someone or something can feel like unpaid therapy. The term “energy vampire” has been coined for such folk who seem to zap your energy when you spend time with them. These draining types tend to complain a lot, only talk about themselves and show no real interest in you or your life.
“If every catch-up ends with you having listened for two hours and barely said a word about your own life, that’s not a two-way friendship. This is the point at which being a ‘supportive friend’ slips into becoming an emotional dumping ground,” says Vogstad. The clearest sign is when you start feeling dread before seeing them rather than looking forward to it. It can be hard enough to find time to see the friends and family who bring joy and value to your life – so don’t put up with the life-suckers.
The social climber who love-bombs you, but only for your status
We’ve all met them, the super charismatic types who use extreme flattery and love-bombing to get you to befriend them instantly. “Love-bombing within a friendship can easily appear as being endearing,” says BACP-accredited therapist Sana Khwaja from BetterHelp. However, genuine admiration can be mistaken with someone befriending you for your popularity, career connections and social network.
It’s important to spot early signs of these behaviours so you can be aware that these status hunters are often highly transactional and apt to move on swiftly. “Specifically, receiving vague compliments from someone before they truly know you, excessive praise and constant communication. This ‘too much, too soon’ mentality is a key indicator a person’s interests may have a hidden agenda.” You have been warned.
The chaos merchant who is always late and cancels last-minute repeatedly
When someone is repeatedly arriving 50 minutes late without apology or pulls out an hour before dinner, it is a pattern. For busy mid-lifers, time is currency. An evening out may mean arranging childcare or declining another invitation. Chronic lateness or last-minute cancellations are disrespectful of your time.
“We all have those friends who you know you can’t 100% rely on with plans, but when someone is repeatedly cancelling at the last minute, it can be more impactful than perhaps assumed,” says Khwaja.
At first, it’s a common response to take this personally. However, everyone has busy schedules, especially in today’s society. Balancing jobs, exercise and general life admin can be tough, often leading to social plans being put on the back foot. “Anxieties surrounding burnout can be a reason for last-minute cancellations, but it’s equally important to not let people disrespect your own time and busy schedules.
Setting boundaries requires a shift from acceptance to active and clear communication.” This can be done by highlighting the impact it has on you and stating your needs – you can take a “no pressure” approach while highlighting you are not free to reschedule. Sound advice.
Emotional labour is not an unlimited resource and expecting reciprocity isn’t asking for much. I wish I’d had better standards for my friendships before, but better late than never.
