Thirty-five ways I plan to fail at being a better person in 2026
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Opinion
It’s nearly New Year’s Eve, so it’s Viva La Resolution. What a shame that, on past performance, most of my resolutions won’t outlast the end of next week. All the same …
Richard Glover has big plans for 2026.Credit: Dominic Lorrimer
- In the year ahead I will exercise more.
- In the year ahead I will eat less.
- In the year ahead I promise to never respond to a company’s email asking me to “Tell us how we did?” as it only encourages them.
- I shall put the lid on the toothpaste.
- In the middle of the night I will wee sitting down, as requested by the management.
- I will try to ignore the moment when people mix up “fewer” and “less” as I now understand it’s a sign that I’ve become a demented old fogey.
- All the same, I will try and have fewer opinions and display less certainty when it comes to the ways of the world.
- I will visit the dentist. I will visit the skin cancer chap. I will have the car serviced on time.
- I will not agree to attend any event being held in three months’ time, which I know I’d decline if it were scheduled for the following night.
- I will floss.
- I will cut my toenails at reasonable intervals, and not only when under horrified instruction from my partner.
- I will finally give my squash racquet away, on the understanding that my orthopaedic surgeon already has a busy year ahead.
- I will stop driving around on a quarter of a tank of fuel as this makes my partner anxious, despite my excellent argument that it makes driving cheaper since the car is lighter.
- I pledge not to look at my phone when there are children around, understanding that it’s no good asking them to avoid a habit that has entranced every adult they know. As an auxiliary aim, I hope to instead read more books, thus ending the year, for once, with a longer concentration span than the one I started with.
- I will purchase these books at an independent bookstore.
- I will audit the clothes in my wardrobe and “dispose thoughtfully” of those that last fitted me 20 years ago. I will finally admit the green velour jacket was a mistake. I will beg Vinnies to take it off my hands.
- I will “dispose thoughtfully” the homebrew kit I bought 20 years ago and used three times before realising my efforts always tasted of farts.
- I will “dispose thoughtfully” the 87 VHS movies, recorded off the television in the late 1990s and filling a whole cupboard in the hall, acknowledging that our VHS player stopped working in 2003.
- I will admit when I can’t hear what’s being said. This is better than the alternative, which is to say, “Oh, that’s terrific news”, when someone has just told me about the death of their dog.
- I will no longer accuse my partner of “hiding my sunglasses”, especially at moments when they are then found propped on my own head.
- I pledge not to look at my phone in bed just before lights out.
- I pledge not look at my phone in bed first thing in the morning, like the desperate addict I am.
- In an attempt to regulate my drinking I will try to avoid rationalisations such as “It’s been a particularly bad day”, “It’s been a particularly good day”, “It’s the first day of spring”, “It’s a Monday in August, which is actually quite rare”, “I just stubbed my toe”, etc.
- When being introduced to someone new I’ll ask for their name to be repeated, aware that at the point of the first introduction, all my mental facilities had been deployed in the challenging task of looking like a reasonable and amenable human being.
- I will judiciously delete unwanted photos on my phone, rather than contribute to global warming by storing on the cloud those 6000 out-of-focus photos of the dog.
- I will audit my streaming service subscriptions and cancel those that haven’t screened anything watchable since 2023.
- I will compare electricity providers.
- I will compare insurance providers.
- I will endeavour to find a bank savings account that pays interest without the need to meet certain “criteria” each month, such as buying 15 products on your credit card, making five – but not six – deposits, and praying twice to the sun god.
- I’ll learn to cook more dishes with legumes.
- I’ll stop looking at the app known as X as it does no favours to my mood.
- I’ll plant something.
- I’ll be cheery.
- I’ll be positive.
- And, most of all, I pledge to forgive myself if – with most of these resolutions – I prove to have insufficient resolve.
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So, Happy New Year. And may next year be better.
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