I want to be clear: I love my mother dearly. I also have a great deal of compassion for the pressures women of her generation have faced. I understand why this validation matters to her. But when she insists that life is so much better now because she’s thinner, or encourages me to try another GLP-1 someday because I might have “better results”, I find myself shutting down. I think my silence feels to her like disapproval or jealousy, but it’s not. I’ve been intentional about healing this part of myself, and I want to celebrate that she feels good without reinforcing the belief that a smaller body is what makes her worthy of celebration.

How do I support something she’s deeply proud of without participating in a social construct that caused me so much pain? Am I withholding kindness from my mother?

– JT

JT: This letter is teeming with generosity and empathy despite the hurt that this running weight commentary has caused you over time, so no, you are not withholding kindness.

Maybe the only topic all generations can agree on these days is how diet culture has pervaded our daily lives, from basic calorie counting and the grapefruit and cabbage soup diets to juice detoxes and filtered Instagram #bodygoals. None of us are immune, no matter our age. It has shaped the way we think about food and appearance and “thinness”, even when we don’t want to admit it. You have been able to, admirably, work through and past that mindset. Your mum has not.

It’s really great that she feels good about herself, and it’s okay to say that. She also seems at least somewhat aware, based on her response to your initial reaction, that you are not that comfortable with these conversations. Why not tell her a version of what you’ve just expressed so compellingly to me? Something like: Mum, ultimately I am happy you are happy and it’s important to me that you feel good and healthy. But I love you for many reasons, and I’d feel that way no matter what you weighed.

If you want, you can stay faithful to the work you’ve done on yourself and still minimally engage with her experience with GLP-1s when it comes up. There is so much that’s been written recently about the GLP-1 phenomenon that you can have a broader discussion with your mum about it as a relevant news topic, and that’s a way to try to connect with her on it. But the boundaries you’ve spent so much time and energy building are non-negotiable, and the hard cut needs to come when any of her comments are directed at your weight. It is possible for you to acknowledge and celebrate her happiness, but it cannot come at the expense of your own.

She’s lived her life with weight loss as a central driver and motivator, and so she likely thinks it should be a key component of your life, too. If any conversations veer, even via a stray comment, into “you could lose more weight, too!” territory, tell her that you’re happy to listen to the ups and downs of her weight-loss journey, but you really don’t want to discuss your own with her. If it keeps happening, then you can avoid the topic altogether, and consider a longer sit-down with your mum that delves into your feelings about the past and the consequences of her ongoing obsession with weight. But that’s up to you to decide.

If you’ve already had that conversation and she’s still making those comments about your appearance, or if she continually disregards your boundaries, then you should take a firmer approach – because if that’s the case, maybe you are actually being too kind.