Five ways people with ADHD ruin their relationships

“Emotional symptoms are not on the core list of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders criteria, but problems with emotion regulation are virtually universal in ADHD,” says Cubbin. One theory is that ADHD can involve an overactive limbic system, which is the brain’s emotional centre. The fact that many people with ADHD have had a lifetime of being “told off”, criticised and undermined could also play a part.

“That emotional volatility can be very damaging if a partner feels they have to walk on eggshells,” says Dr Cubbin. “If your partner doesn’t know when you might get angry and upset, and can’t raise any concerns about anything that’s going on because you’re just so sensitive to perceived criticism, then resentment builds. Communication and resolving conflict, both vital for any good relationship, can become so difficult.”

What helps?

“Taking the time to really learn about how the condition affects you is really important,” says Cubbin. After years of self-blame, you might find some self-compassion – which will help improve your emotional health. “ADHD medication can also improve focus and concentration, and for some people that helps with listening skills, which makes communication much easier.” There’s also evidence that dialectical behaviour therapy, a structured psychotherapy, can help people with ADHD manage emotions.

“The really boring stuff is also super important,” adds Johnson Shakespeare. “Your sleep, alcohol use, diet and exercise all make such a difference to emotion regulation and mood.”

“Impaired executive function is very common with ADHD and that impacts planning, organisation, prioritising and working memory,” says Cubbin. “You might be messy, disorganised, time-blind and unreliable because you double-book yourself, or come home from work late because you got lost in an assignment. Or maybe you haven’t done the shopping, or you’ve forgotten to pick up the kids. If your partner then takes on the role of trying to sort it all out, smooth things over and tidy up, it changes the balance of the relationship. One becomes the carer, and that’s damaging. It can lead to a lot of resentment.”

What helps?

Never see an ADHD diagnosis as an “excuse”, says Johnson Shakespeare. “It might be an ‘explanation’ for why things can go a certain way, but that doesn’t preclude working on it.” The responsibility lies with you. “Your partner might not want to come on your ADHD journey with you,” she says. “They might not believe in it or have space for it. My husband still calls it ‘ACDC!’ What’s really important is that your partner sees you are taking seriously the issues that are causing difficulties and trying to manage them.”

Focus on today’s practicalities instead of devising grand solutions. “If you’re always late when you meet up because you have a poor sense of direction, and you’re inattentive so you miss the turn, how can you build in an extra 30 minutes? Can you look at the GPS before you head out?”

Structure a weekly – or even a daily – sit-down together to plan ahead. Go through the calendar together. “So many people avoid it, but that is vital,” says Johnson Shakespeare. “Talk about what’s planned and what’s needed, who’s going to be where and who’s doing what.”

“Finances are a common conflict area in any relationship and for someone with ADHD, it’s even more likely,” says Cubbin. “People with ADHD can struggle to control compulsive spending, gambling, late-night shopping when you’re scrolling, seeking novelty, buying things you don’t need. It’s not unusual to get very caught up in a new thing, like an expensive hobby or a healthy eating plan, then lose interest so the food is all rotting in the fridge or the equipment isn’t used.

“ADHD is also associated with more educational and work failure, so there will be more low-income families,” continues Cubbin. “Some people with ADHD are high achievers but many are not. People often talk about an ‘ADHD tax’ because inattention and poor organisation can cost you more. You’re more likely to get a parking fine, then you forget to pay it, or stick your head in the sand to avoid thinking about it, and the fine doubles. For a partner, all of this is very challenging to live with.”

What helps?

“Having regular check-ins with your partner – or a financial adviser, or another trusted person – around bills, budgets and what’s going on financially is so important to create an accountability mechanism,” says Johnson Shakespeare. “You might also need daily check-ins with yourself where you just look at your bank balance and see where you are.”

“Getting rid of credit cards is often helpful,” says Cubbin. “If you only have debit cards with no massive overdraft limit, then you can’t go on impulsive spending sprees. It can be helpful to automate your bill payments.”

“People with ADHD generally report less sexual satisfaction,” says Cubbin. There are multiple reasons. Impulsivity is one.

The desire for novelty and excitement can lead to sexual adventurousness and amplify the highs, especially at the start of a relationship, but when familiarity and routine set in, focus can drift and libido can drop like a stone. “As you get older and more habituated, other factors make a difference too,” says Johnson Shakespeare. “It starts during the day. If you’re picking up after someone, having to parent them, it’s really hard to then get into bed and have a good time.” Sleep also impacts sex. “If one of you goes to bed very late, you both have different sleep patterns or one is a restless sleeper – which is very common with ADHD – then you may not have the energy or desire.”

What helps?

There are no “easy fixes”, but working to improve everyday life together is the first step. “Unmanaged ADHD isn’t ‘sexy’,” says Cubbin. Some ADHD research has found that couples where the woman feels her partner is making an effort to actively manage his ADHD have considerably more sex than average. “If you’re taking seriously the management of your own ADHD and having insight into how it impacts both of you, then that will have a massive impact on how you get along and how sexy you feel.”

Prioritise sleep – even if it means separate rooms, which is the case for Johnson Shakespeare. “People who sleep separately often seem to have better relationships because they’ve slept well,” says Cubbin. “They’re less exhausted and they have the energy to have fun – and have sex.”

“Integrating with your family and friends is part of a good relationship,” says Cubbin. “You’ll want your partner to be with you at family events, birthdays and Christmases, and if your friends and family don’t like your partner, all this can be very difficult to negotiate and cause all sorts of tensions and resentments.

“People with ADHD are often not so good at small talk. Their shortened attention span means they are more likely to get bored, drift off, zone out and look disinterested. They are interested in what they’re interested in and find it harder to be polite and engage with people. Impulsivity can also get in the way as they might over-talk and over-share, say something inappropriate or go off on a tangent.”

What helps?

“ADHD medication can help you focus and it might help with impulsivity,” says Cubbin. “It’s also helpful to understand your limitations and talk honestly with your partner to set realistic goals and find compromises.” This might mean a more intermittent involvement with someone’s friends or family, agreeing to keep visits shorter or coming along to shared activities that feel less daunting than an entire weekend or long, drawn-out event.

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