International Singles Day: You don’t need a relationship for a fulfilling life – Morgan Penn

Started in China as a celebration of single life, the date was chosen because 11/11 looks like four individuals standing independently. Four little reminders that you don’t need to be attached to someone to have a wonderful life.

It can feel like the world was designed for couples and if you’re single, this can feel lonely.

I’ve spent the last five years single; there have been lots of dates, a situationship, mini-relationships and heartbreak in that time. (You can hear all about those adventures in my podcast Sex.Life.)

I always longed for a deep hearty connection with someone who made me feel special. I craved the mundane things, shopping at Bunnings together on a Sunday, bum pinches when walking on the beach.

I’ll admit not settling and waiting for the right fit for me was sometimes painful and lonely. But here’s what I learnt in that time.

As a sexologist, I spend a lot of time talking to people about relationships, intimacy, desire and connection.

But one thing I would love us to get better at is celebrating the relationship we have with ourselves, particularly when we’re single.

Because somewhere along the way, being single became something to explain, justify or fix.

“Are you seeing anyone?” is often one of the first questions we’re asked. If the answer is “no”, there’s an awkward pause, followed by an enthusiastic attempt to find out why, as though being single must be the result of some unfortunate circumstance, rather than an entirely legitimate way to live.

And then the classic look of “what’s wrong with you?”.

Let’s retire this narrative and the assumption that being single means being undesirable or somehow incomplete. Being single is not always a relationship status waiting to happen.

Of course, being single isn’t always a “champagne and dancing in your underwear” kind of situation either (although I highly recommend it).

There can be loneliness, the world can be more expensive, there are occasional Sunday afternoons when you’d quite like someone to bring you a cup of tea, and the frustration of having to assemble every piece of flat-pack furniture yourself.

And if you’ve ever tried online dating, you’ll know finding someone who can hold a conversation, communicate their feelings and even suggest an actual date can feel like trying to get the first car park out front of the supermarket.

There are genuinely wonderful things about being single that we don’t talk about enough.

For starters, there’s the sweet, sweet freedom of only having to think about yourself.

You get to make decisions based on what you want, not what works for two people.

You can book the holiday, change careers, move cities, eat dinner at 9pm, sleep diagonally across the bed or spend an entire Saturday doing nothing. No negotiation or explanation required.

You can discover what makes you happy without constantly considering someone else’s preferences, moods or needs.

You can develop friendships, explore interests, reconnect with parts of yourself that might have been put on the back burner and create a life that feels deeply and authentically yours. And there’s something rather delicious about not having to share your chips.

But perhaps one of the biggest benefits of being single is the opportunity to get to know all parts of yourself, including sexually.

When we’re in relationships, it’s easy for our sexual identity to become wrapped up in another person’s desire, preferences and expectations.

We can become so focused on being wanted, pleasing someone else or keeping the spark alive that we lose touch with what turns us on.

What do you enjoy? What makes you feel sensual? What kind of touch feels good? What fantasies have you been curious about? What makes you feel sexy, confident and connected to your body?

You don’t need a partner to answer those questions. Your sexuality doesn’t go into hibernation just because you’re not having partnered sex.

In fact, I’d argue developing a relationship with your own pleasure is one of the most empowering things you can do, whether you’re single, dating or in a long-term relationship.

And let’s not forget the joy of making yourself a priority. I’m not talking about a “bubble bath and face-mask Instagram” kind of way, but in the everyday decisions that say my needs matter and my happiness is worth investing in.

That might mean saying “no” to a date you’re not excited about. It might mean buying yourself flowers, taking yourself out for dinner or finally doing that thing you’ve been waiting for someone else to do with you.

Being empowered in your singleness doesn’t mean pretending you never want a relationship, if you do.

You can love your independence and still want intimacy. You can be perfectly happy with your own company and still crave a cuddle. You can enjoy your freedom and occasionally wish someone would just make the bloody dinner. Both things can be true.

I think we need to move away from the idea that being happily single means you must be fiercely independent, never lonely and completely uninterested in finding love. That’s just another expectation to live up to.

Maybe empowerment is about being able to want a relationship without needing one to validate your worth. It’s refusing to settle for a relationship simply because being alone feels uncomfortable or because everyone around you seems to be moving through life in pairs.

And if you do meet someone wonderful, like I’ve been lucky enough to, let it be because they add something beautiful to an already meaningful life, not because you’ve been waiting for someone to make it meaningful.

So today, whether you’re happily single, newly single, reluctantly single or somewhere in the complicated middle, I’d love you to celebrate yourself.

Take yourself on a date. Buy the ridiculously expensive dessert. Put on the lingerie, even if nobody else is going to see it. Call your friends. Dance in your kitchen. Have a little flirt if you fancy it. And if you spend the evening in your pyjamas watching television with a takeaway (my personal favourite single night) that’s a perfectly good celebration too.

The goal isn’t to convince ourselves that being single is better than being in a relationship.

It’s to know that being single is not second best.

Morgan Penn is a sexologist and the co-host of Sex.Life. Season four is available weekly from iHeart radio and other podcast platforms.

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